We Should Have Slept While Only Holding Hands, And Yet?!: Volume 4 – Chapter 5

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5. Secret

 

 

“Ah, welcome home, Master, Missus!”

I got up from the sofa once I heard the long awaited sound of the front door opening. I shouted enthusiastically as I rushed to the front door.

Today is actually the day Master and the Missus make up. Well, it isn’t set in stone, but I know it will happen.

The Missus and I have been talking a lot lately.

Ever since the day I went to their school and the Missus and I promised to work together, we talked every day about ways to make Master open up and be together with the Missus again.

And yesterday, I helped the Missus build up her courage. Similar to the time I encouraged Master before, I told her to be honest and to cherish her time together with him.

Even if they break up and live apart from one another in the future, it doesn’t change the fact that they like each other now and that they’ll have Miss Jaim in the future.

I intentionally smiled brightly as I told her that.

The Missus doesn’t know what actually happens in the future, after all. Just like Miss Jaim, the Missus also believes that she breaks up with Master after getting into a fight in the future.

I can’t tell her the truth. She mustn’t know, so it’s a secret.

“······Yeah. You’re right, Miss Jihye.”

The Missus smiled as if my words had encouraged her.

Although, as I expected, she mustn’t have regained her previous spirit yet as she still looked a little sad, I was happy to hear that she would muster up her courage. Thus, the Missus decided to have a talk with Master on their way home the next day······, in other words, today.

Furthermore, I’m certain that Master will accept the Missus if she opens up to him like this. No one loves the Missus more than Master, after all.

And if Master and the Missus reconcile, then I’m sure that the Miss will also return to normal. They’re a family, so it’s only natural.

I preemptively prepared a celebration dinner that consisted of only their favorites foods and I also baked a cake as I waited. This was the only remaining task I could do as a robot maid.

“······Huh? Where’s Master?”

However, the Missus was the only one standing at the front door.

For some reason, her head was lowered and her shoulders were trembling.

I became a bit anxious.

“······.”

The Missus didn’t respond. I carefully took a step forward in order to examine the Missus’ face.

“······Missus?”

The Missus’ knees buckled and she fell to her knees on the floor the instant my hand touched her shoulder.

“M-Missus?!”

“······Hk.”

The Missus raised her head before I could worriedly ask her what was wrong. Her face was incredibly contorted with tears streaming down her face.

“······Uuuaaaaaah⎯⎯⎯······.”

She then broke down as if she could no longer hold back her emotions as she wept audibly.

She raised her voice as she cried like a child.

“W-What’s the matter, Missus?”

I panicked. I didn’t think this would happen, after all. I matched my eye-level with the Missus, who was on her knees and looking up at the ceiling as she cried, and carefully questioned her.

“Did it perhaps not go well with Master?”

“Uuh, hk, uuuuuu······.”

“Did Master say something to you······?”

“Hiccup, uuh, uu, Jja, Jjaro asked······.”

The Missus managed to utter words. Her crying was louder and it was hard to understand her properly, but the Missus continued to speak while rubbing away the tears that were flowing out of her eyes.

“If, hic, it would, uuu, be okay, to live, hic, happily together, uuhu, without Jaim······.”

“Pardon me?”

I asked back. To ask whether Master and the Missus could be happy together without the Miss, that almost sounds as if······.

“Hic, since I, won’t die, uu, if I don’t, give birth to Jaim······.”

“······.”

I couldn’t say anything.

It was only natural since I didn’t know what to say.

I could only look at the Missus blankly.

“You, knew······?”

Even I thought that question was stupid despite having barely managed to ask it.

“······.”

Once I uttered those words, the Missus looked at me in surprise for a moment. Her expression looked as if she had made a blunder. However, she nodded her head instead of giving me a vocal response. I only heard the occasional sound of weeping. The only things that moved were the Missus’ irregularly shuddering shoulders and her hands that were rubbing her face.

She found out.

The Missus found out the truth.

I almost got upset.

“No, what was Master thinking······?”

But I managed to stop myself since the currently crying Missus didn’t seem to be crying because she was shocked by something Master had said.

I’m not certain, but this would explain everything if this were the reason.

The reason why the Missus had a slightly sad look, the reason why she couldn’t approach Master first, the reason why Master had been distancing himself from the Missus, and the reason why the Miss had shut herself in her room. All of it.

I’m not sure what could have happened on that day for the truth to have been revealed, but it was a possibility.

Nevertheless, that wasn’t what was important right now.

I resolved myself to do what I must.

“······For starters, let’s go to your room and talk there.”

I couldn’t leave the Missus alone when she was sitting at the front door with her shoes still on, after all.

 

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

 

The Missus cried for a long time in her room.

And I stayed next to her and patted her back until she settled down.

“······Hic, h-how, hk, could he say, kuh, something like that?”

The Missus told me what happened as she cried. She told me about how she took my advice and gathered her courage in order to talk with Master, how Master responded to her, and the argument that followed.

What made her cry and how cruel Master’s words were. Although the front and back of her tear-filled story didn’t really match, she continued.

“Jjaro, hic, I didn’t think, Jjaro would say, something like that······.”

I thought this would definitely turn out differently.

I thought Master and the Missus would come home holding hands but with awkward smiles on their faces due to how long they’ve been ignoring each other until now.

I don’t think I said anything wrong.

I thought I consoled Master properly back then. That’s why I was happy when I saw them together during the festival.

Thinking about it now, seeing as how everything became weird after that day, Master might have not accepted her as I hoped he would.

Nonetheless, I thought things would turn out differently if the Missus talked to him honestly. I thought the Missus had the power to stop and change Master.

“······Master probably said that because he’s worried about you.”

I managed to utter those consoling words while patting the Missus’ back.

Although I don’t personally agree with Master’s words and intent, it’s not like I don’t understand where he’s coming from. I’ve seen how Master spent his time in the future, after all. I’m the result of that, after all.

Master probably still has a strong desire to cherish the Missus. That’s why he broke out into tears before. He cried like a child in my embrace.

“The way he worded it was definitely bad, but he probably didn’t say it with the bad intent you think he had.”

I consoled the Missus who was crying in my embrace just like Master did before.

Holding them in my arms in a time like this is a robot maid’s duty, after all.

It’s my job to connect the three family members who have split apart.

The two of them clearly want the same thing.

They both want to be at each other’s side and stay together.

Why do the two of them cry like this when they have the same problem?

Their hearts are definitely aligned. They might be ever so slightly off, but their essence should be the same.

“I, know, that.”

The Missus, who hadn’t finished crying yet, muttered in a small voice.

“Even I know, that Jjaro only said that, because of me, for my sake! But, this isn’t what I want······!”

The Missus spoke to me while biting her lips as if she were holding back her tears.

“I’m also, uneasy······!”

The Missus wiped away her tears and began to talk about her unease.

The unease that no one knew about including me.

“Many times, I pretended like I was okay······. I acted casual, around Jjaro, but······. In truth, I’ve been constantly uneasy. Ever since I found out that Jaim came from the future, and that she came here to make Jjaro and I get along more so that I wouldn’t leave in the future······.”

The Missus looked at me and smiled as she held her trembling body still in her arms.

“Because, I, have no intention to break up with Jjaro. None at all. I want to always be with JJaro. I have to be with him. Ever since I was little, always, even now and in the future.”

Her smile felt somewhat scary,

and I envied it for some reason.

“But, isn’t it strange, if I break up with him, and leave······? I end up thinking about what, might have happened······! Also, if there’s a robot, that’s almost a replica of me, in the home that I left, and Jjaro was the one who made it, then I can’t help but start thinking about worst-case scenarios.”

I could tell what that worst-case scenario was.

With a dry smile on her face that made me wonder whether she was crying or not, the Missus lowered her head.

“I’ve been feeling uneasy ever since I had that thought······! I’ve been scared! I’m afraid of dying······! All of it, the fact that all of it is going to end······. I keep thinking about how I’m going to disappear, be forgotten over time, be replaced, and be considered as some person who was simply there!”

It hurt how well I understood that emotion.

Because the Missus of all people was the one saying it.

Because the Missus is saying it to me and not someone else.

Her mother who passed away when she was little. The precious person whom she wishes to see but has vanished completely.

The person who appeared afterward. Her new mother. Thus, the way how the people around her would tell her to forget the past.

Comforting words like, “she’ll always be looking over you and thinking about you” are probably meaningless. She’s no longer here, so how would they know?

“Also, it might be because of my selfishness······!”

“Your, selfishness······?”

Even though I know that I shouldn’t have asked that, the words flowed out of my mouth.

“I’m sure that Jjaro tried to stop me even in the future······. He probably said something like wanting to be with me! So I’m certain that I forcefully told him that that wouldn’t happen! I selfishly declared that I wanted to give birth! Despite not knowing what was going to happen as a result of that······!”

Master grieves the Missus’ death. The Miss yearns to see her mother after being left alone with Master who’s in denial and doesn’t tell her the truth.

Regardless, if that’s the case, then.

“But, I can’t agree with Jjaro and Nabom’s way of thinking. Jaim is my daughter! She’s proof that Jjaro and I became a real family! How could I possibly throw that away!?”

The Missus turned to shout at me before dropping her head again.

She mumbled, making it almost seem as if she were talking to herself.

“So, I reached my hand out······hoping that he would, grab it······.”

As if she were disappointed, sad, and treating an incredibly deep wound.

“Since she’s our precious daughter, a treasure I left behind, our lovely daughter whom I gave birth to even as I died, and because we had so much fun together ever since she arrived······. I wanted him, to hold Jaim’s hand. I don’t care about what happens to me, as long as he cherishes Jaim as much as he cherished me······.”

Squeeze. The Missus held her trembling self tightly as if she were afraid that she would fall to pieces.

“······Still.”

My lips moved on their own.

“Still, I envy you.”

I spoke softly and in a small voice.

Although I was saying this with the intention to comfort the Missus, this was also my sincere opinion.

I know. I know that this means I’m malfunctioning, that I might have been broken ever since the moment I had this thought.

Regardless, I felt like I couldn’t bear it any longer if I stayed silent.

“Envy, me······?”

The Missus opened her eyes wide as she looked at me in surprise.

I wiped away the tear marks under her still teary eyes and smiled gently.

“I’m nothing more than the Missus’ replacement. An imitation.”

A substitute that was made to fill the spot where the Missus should have been and do the things the Missus should have done.

Master said this to me before as well. Not my future master, but my master now said that that was most likely the reason why he made me.

I know very well what that means.

“I have never been loved by Master. No matter what I do, he will never love me like he loves you.”

What Master wants is to be together with the Missus, after all.

I touched the Missus’ cheek as she continued to stare blankly at me in silence.

“I’m envious of that.”

Even if it may end one day, love will always be genuine.

“But.”

The Missus grabbed my hand that was on her cheek and spoke.

“In the end, Miss Jihye is the one who’s going to remain at his side!”

She shook my hand away and shouted with an upset, angry face.

I was so alarmed that I couldn’t speak.

“Even if you’re a substitute or a replacement, in the end, Miss Jihye is going to be the one at Jjaro’s side and not me! In the spot where I should be! Pretending to be me! Always in my place!”

This was my first time ever seeing the Missus get this upset.

The tears which she had been barely managing to hold back came flowing out again. However, even as a robot, I could tell that these tears were different from the ones she shed earlier.

The tears she shed earlier were tears of sadness.

Her current tears were tears that were flowing because she couldn’t hold back her irritation.

“No, that’s, not what I meant······.”

I panicked. That’s not what I was trying to say. I wasn’t trying to upset the Missus and make it seem like I was bragging.

“I was just, jealous, so in order to cheer you up, I······.”

“There’s no way something like that would cheer me up!”

I never expected that the Missus would say these words.

“······I don’t want to hear those kinds of words!”

I thought that she was a kind, gentle, innocent, and always smiling person who worried more about others than herself.

I arbitrarily thought that she was a strong person who could embrace, overcome, and accept everything.

“······It’s like that, isn’t it?”

The Missus looked at me with frustrated and jealous eyes as she spoke. The courteous way of speaking she would normally use when talking to me had disappeared.

“Since you’re the one who’s going to be next to him in the end. Since you’re the one who’s going to still be around. Since you know you’ll still be here, you’re just trying to cheer me up because you pity me, right?”

“What······!?”

Something inside me came rising upwards once I heard those cruel words.

I know I should hold back, I know she’s only saying this because she’s upset, and I know that I had said something wrong, and yet.

“How could you possibly say such a thing?! I was simply trying to cheer you up! Because I really, really felt jealous······!”

I am aware that I shouldn’t be saying this. That it’s strange for a robot maid to say these words or have these thoughts. Nonetheless, these words came out on their own.

“You receive Master’s love! He treats you as someone who’s necessary! You’re always with him and you get to spend time with him constantly!”

My voice became louder on its own. My thinking circuits became dyed with jealousy and anger in order to not lose to the Missus.

“You’ve known each other since you were little and you go to school together! You get to joyfully have trivial conversations with each other and create memories!”

This was a thought I had before.

On the day I went to their school wearing the Missus’ uniform, I found myself thinking about how great it would be if I could do the same.

If I weren’t a robot but a friend who lived next door to Master or, at the very least, just a classmate. Honestly, I’d be happy if I could just attend the same school as him.

I’m not asking for much. I’d be happy if we could meet normally, become friends normally, go to school together, chat, and take classes together. I’d be satisfied with just hanging out for a bit after school or on holidays and preparing for the school festival together for our club.

I believed that these things alone were enough to fill me with overwhelming happiness.

The Missus snorted at my words.

“You must have done that plenty of times already, haven’t you? You could do those things whenever you want with Jjaro in the future!”

“There’s no way······something like that would be possible.”

I’m simply a robot maid. My lifestyle is simple.

Once I finish recharging, I wake up, make breakfast, send the Miss off to school, finish the housework, and go back to sleep.

Master doesn’t come home and the Miss sees me as a nuisance. Even when he is home, he’s only present. We aren’t together. Spending time together with him is, impossible.

Still, since I knew it was impossible for me, I just left it as something to be jealous of. I left it as my selfish desire. So, I wanted to satisfy myself by watching Master, the Missus, and the Miss being happy together from the sideline.

“If it could also be possible for me······. If I could become a necessary existence for Master, then I want to be! I want to be loved and be with him!”

“It doesn’t matter in the end!”

The Missus shook her head strongly and shouted back in response to my cry.

“In the end, I’m going to die······! No matter how much Jjaro needs or loves me, it’s meaningless in the end! If anything, it’s because of those things that he becomes tormented with grief and regret!”

The Missus looked straight at me with clenched fists.

“I can’t, I can’t even do that······! I can’t even stand next to him! That’s why, ever since I found out about this, I wanted to at least leave something behind······. I wanted to leave behind proof that I existed even if I’m no longer here, even if I vanish······!”

But, the Missus added, but she simply bit her lips and trembled. She couldn’t finish that sentence.

“I was happy once Jjaro, the same Jjaro who used to hate me, hate families, and hate others started to change after Jaim appeared, so I figured that even if I’m no longer next to him, Jaim would stay with him······.”

Tears began to flow down the trembling corners of her eyes again. She wiped away those tears with her still clenched fists.

I thought I understood her.

Different from how Master is like in the future, he’s softer right now. I thought that this was due to the Missus and the Miss. That this was something that I couldn’t accomplish.

That’s why I thought this was the reason why the Missus left the Miss behind.

I thought that she was hoping for the Miss to change Master even if she’s no longer around. That the Miss’ presence would be enough to prevent him from getting sad and help him overcome her death.

And yet, she almost sounds as if she were regretting it now.

Her decision and everything she’s done. Like that diary.

“Why am I going to die?! Disappear?! Be replaced by another person······! Why is a robot pretending to be me going to remain beside Jjaro and Jaim?!”

The Missus shouted loudly.

She looked towards me who was at a loss for words.

Her clear and transparent tears reflected the light of a lamp as they flowed down. Her heavy tears which contained the rest of the emotions which could not be covered by her upset, sad, and regretful words flowed down.

At that sight, a certain emotion swept over me as well.

“If I knew this would happen, if this was going to happen in the end, then I should have just······!”

“⎯⎯⎯.”

I didn’t want to hear those words.

I didn’t want to see those tears, so I ran out of the room.

I had no other choice but to leave the Missus behind and vacate that spot.

Cleaning solution flowed out from my eyes. It flowed out on its own. It was almost like tears. Even though robots don’t have something like tears.

I’m now certain that I’ve always been malfunctioning.

Even though the reason why Master created me was in order to replace the Missus and because he missed the kind and gentle Missus.

And yet, I wound up having feelings for Master. Despite not being the Missus, I wanted to be the one to change Master and the Miss. I wanted the three of us to be like a family. I wanted to become happy.

Even though I’m only a robot. Even though I’m just a machine.

Even though Master is being tormented and the Missus is sad. Even though the two who have been getting along incredibly well got into a fight and she was suffering because they couldn’t be together. Even though the Missus was crying as she regretted her actions and everything that has happened until now.

“Miss! Miss! Please come out! I beg of you!”

And yet, at that moment, as I heard the Missus talk⎯⎯⎯I felt happy.

How could I feel as if I had won once I heard those words?

“Please, please come out! Miss⎯⎯⎯!”

The fact that, in the end, I’m the one who’s next to Master. I’m the one who occupies that spot. The fact that I felt happy, had a sense of accomplishment, felt satisfied with winning, and pitied her.

I cried as I pounded on the door of Miss Jaim’s room. The person who didn’t come out of her room despite all the loud shouting.

Why did things turn out like this?

This isn’t what I wanted.

The fact that in the future, I wished Master would come home and that the three of us could be together wasn’t for this purpose.

Following the Miss to the past in order to bring her back wasn’t for this purpose.

The fact that I smiled while watching the three of them be happy and wanting to make them like that again wasn’t for this purpose.

“The Missus, Missus Ja Saeyeon is crying!”

I have to do something. Before it’s too late, before I break even further, I have to do something as a robot maid.

“She got into a fight with Master, because of me, I told her to talk to him! So they got into a fight······!”

I have to struggle.

“I’ve been talking with the Missus ever since I visited their school! I don’t know what happened, but I told her that if she had an honest conversation with Master, then things will get better, that if she tells him she wants to be with him, then even Master will listen, so I urged her······!”

I don’t care what happens after this.

That’s right. I don’t care anymore.

“The two of them, they’re arguing over you······!”

My mouth stopped. I didn’t know whether I should be telling the Miss this or not. If she doesn’t know, no, even if she does know, I most likely shouldn’t be telling her about these things. And yet.

“Master, he suggested that they shouldn’t give birth to you! He asked whether the two of them could just be together, but the Missus refused······!”

I couldn’t hold back my words as they came spewing out with my tears.

“Please, come out······! If you aren’t, if it isn’t you, Miss, then I can’t do anything······!”

The hand that was pounding on the door gradually slowed down as I leaned my head against the door. I began to lose the strength in my legs as I slowly fell to my knees.

“I, I tried to console the Missus, but······. I assured her that Master didn’t mean it that way, that he only said that because he was worried about her, that if anything, I felt jealous of the Missus since she could be next to, loved by, and needed by Master. I tried to comfort her like that, but we ended up arguing······.”

Why didn’t I notice sooner?

Even though I knew I was broken, that I was malfunctioning, I acted so proudly.

I pretended like I was acting solely for Master, the Missus, and the Miss’ sake.

I acted like I didn’t care about myself and only thought about trying to bring the family together as a loyal robot maid.

Even though, ultimately, I was only thinking about myself.

The reason why I didn’t take the Miss back to the future wasn’t due to the fact that the Miss was happier here, it was because I liked the current Master and not the cold Master in the future.

The reason why I wanted to bring the family together was since I’d be able to satisfy my desires inside of that circle as well.

The fact that I only now started to do something after doing nothing for a month wasn’t because I was genuinely worried.

“How long do you intend to stay in there······?!”

And yet, even though I knew all this.

“How long do you plan to stay in there when Master and the Missus fought because of you and are suffering······?!”

If anything, I ended up blaming others and saying these things.

“Everything will really fall apart at this rate······! No one will know what to do anymore······!”

I leaned against the firmly shut door as I cried.

There’s no way that a robot would cry. Even though I have no tears, have no need to feel sadness, and don’t breathe, I cried.

“······You.”

And then, the firmly shut door opened.

The Miss was looking down at me with cold eyes.

“M-Miss······?”

It must be because she had been in her room for a month since her clothes and body were a bit dirty, but it couldn’t be helped. Her hair had gotten longer and it seems she had lost a little weight. Her soft skin also appeared rough.

However, there were things that stuck out even more.

The hair that was no longer held up by a clothespin.

Fingernails that had been trimmed to almost nothing.

Broken, self-reproaching eyes that looked as if they didn’t trust anyone.

Those eyes made me think of Master.

The cold eyes of the current Master and Master in the future.

As I thought, the Miss found out as well. This realization went through my head. This saddened me. It intensified my sorrow.

With those eyes and with an emotionless face, the Miss looked down at me and spat out her words.

“What, did you say to Mom, just now?”

“I just······.”

“What did you say to her?”

She cut me off sharply and strengthened her tone. She didn’t sound as if she were about to shout in anger. A very low tone.

I couldn’t figure out which part she was referring to and I didn’t know what sort of excuse I should make, so I could only look up at the Miss.

“You thought that if Mom talked with Dad, then he’ll come back around?”

And then, the Miss’ eyes gradually filled with rage.

“You told Mom that you were jealous of her? You of all people?”

She clenched her fists.

“Even though you don’t know anything, no, maybe you do know, but you told Mom that you envied her······? That you were jealous that she could be next to, loved, and needed by Dad······?”

She grit her teeth as her shoulders slowly trembled.

“You’re asking me why I’m in my room······? Even though you know that everyone is sad because of me, that they’re all like this because of me, you want me to do something······?”

I most likely don’t have the right to say anything.

No, even if I did, I shouldn’t say anything.

Nevertheless, I wound up opening my mouth.

“I.”

While on my knees and crying, I spoke.

“I thought that this would be good for everyone······!”

Once I spoke those words, the Miss finally yelled.

“Don’t prattle however you want when you don’t even know what that means!”

The Miss rushed at me. Her body was trembling in rage as if she couldn’t hold back any longer, as if she couldn’t listen to me any longer.

Thud, I fell onto the floor. I didn’t feel any pain, but I contorted my face due to the pressure. The Miss got on top of me after I fell over and raised her hand as if she intended to punch me. I mustn’t resist. I’m a robot, after all. Furthermore, I mustn’t because I understand her anger. However, I found myself closing my eyes and raising my arms to shield myself.

The Miss didn’t hit me with her fists. She instead opened my body and started tampering with something. I was bewildered. I never expected her to do this. And then, I

Ο

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Ο

Ο

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Ο

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Huh

Wait      Jaim

Something in my head           Who’s that?

In my data

Miss         No intention            Diary

Why         Master

I’ll stop!          Something is wrong

My daughter, my lovely daughter

Jjaro?    Jin Jihye

I want to go back          Ehehe

Please forgive me, Master!               What is this?

Mom                 Ja Saeyeon

I love you                  I want to hold your hand

No!            Do you hate me now?

XMR-MK. XXI ‘Eureka’                   Who exactly

Who am I?

 

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

 

Something entered, my field of vision.

“······J-Jaim?”

What did I say just now? To Jaim.

“Is that, you, Jaim? But, the Miss should be, 3 years old······?”

She looked too big to be the Miss. But, I could somehow tell that she was Jaim. But I’ve raised the Miss for the past few years now. After being made as a robot maid, I went to school with Jjaro, got married, gave birth to the Miss, and with Master······.

“H-Huh······?”

Something, something that I wasn’t aware of until now, had opened.

But, eh, huh? Wait a second, then, who am I······?”

“······Try saying that again.”

Jaim, who was looking down at me with cold eyes, spoke.

“See if you can still say the same thing.”

“I······.”

I tried to speak. I opened my mouth, but.

I looked down at my hands. My sleeves were rolled up so I could see my wrists. Since when did my body become like this? It’s almost like I’m a machine. No. I’m, well, I am······.

I couldn’t, say anything.

“······Ugh.”

I then remembered. I remembered everything.

Tears started to fall on my palms.

“Uu, uuu, aah, uu, aauuu······!”

I felt like I was about to weep, but I couldn’t figure out how or where I was supposed to cry from.

“Uuuuuuaaaaah⎯⎯⎯······!”

So, I simply lowered my head, knelt down, and cried.

Jaim just looked down at me.

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Intermission. Saeyeon

 

 

This is something that happened when Jjaro and I were in our second year of middle school.

I wound up catching a cold a few days before Jjaro’s birthday. Ever since I was little, my body has always been weak.

I don’t like being sick. It hurts, after all. My body feels heavier, I don’t want to eat, and I have a hard time going to sleep. There’s nothing good about it.

“This is why I told you to not throw your blanket aside. Seriously······.”

But there’s one good thing about being sick.

Jjaro comes to nurse me back to health like this. He stays by my side, after all.

“But it was hot······.”

Jjaro wiped away my sweat as he responded to my grumbling.

“Even if it’s hot, if you put aside your blanket when the air conditioner is on, then you’ll obviously catch a cold! You should have turned a fan on instead!”

“No! I heard that you’ll die if you go to sleep with a fan on! It’ll eat up all the oxygen!”

“······Why do I bother?”

Jjaro let out a sigh. Jjaro is always like this. He doesn’t listen even when people tell him things out of concern. He’s also curt.

“Okay, I’ve brought you some medicine, so go to bed after you’ve taken some. And don’t turn the air conditioner on this time.”

Nevertheless, he’s still nice like this. I found myself letting out a laugh.

“Ehehehe······.”

“What? You’re grossing me out.”

Jjaro scrunched his face up a little, but he also let out a chuckle. I liked seeing him laugh like this, so I laughed again.

Jjaro, Jin Jaro is my childhood friend and also like family to me.

He lived next to me since I was very little and we went to preschool, elementary school, and middle school together. We were always in the same class for some reason as well. We go to school together in the morning and spend the whole day together. We also spend time together like this after school.

I think that being able to spend the whole day together with the person you like is a blessed thing. I don’t like being sick, but it isn’t bad getting sick every now and then.

Jjaro grunted as he got up from his position.

“Well then, eat your medicine and go to bed. I’ll come by again tomorrow.”

“You’re going home?”

My voice must have sounded a little anxious. Jjaro smiled and shook my red nose with his fingers as he spoke.

“It isn’t exactly a good time for me to sleep here. Your parents were finally able to make the time to go on a vacation, so you’re home alone.”

“Well, you’re right, but······.”

Mom and Dad are always busy. That’s why the two of them go on a vacation whenever they’re able to take a break from work. They tried to bring me along with them when I was little, but I preferred to stay with Jjaro. I also figured they would prefer to spend time together with just the two of them.

Once I answered in a pestering tone, Jjaro let go of my nose and chuckled.

“Don’t worry. I’ll come to nurse you tomorrow as well. All right, want me to stay here until you fall asleep?”

Whenever Jjaro laughs like that, I get hopeful that Jjaro might like me as well. That’s what I want to believe.

We settled with talking for a while. I also preferred going to sleep while talking. It’s boring when I’m alone and I like talking to the person I like.

“Your birthday is in a few days, Jjaro.”

“Mhm. You prepared my birthday present, right?”

“Ehehe······. Not yet······. Do you have anything you want?”

“I don’t know······. Oh, right. It’d be nice if I had a tool belt.”

“You always ask for weird presents, Jjaro. I have no idea where I would buy one of those.”

“Ahaha, you’re right. Well, just buy me something decent.”

Jjaro laughed in response and patted my head. He doesn’t seem to mind, but, as I thought, I want to give him what he wants. He’ll cherish it, after all. I decided to buy one after asking my dad where I can get one once he’s back from his trip. He said they’ll be back a little after Jjaro’s birthday, so I’ll be giving him his present sort of late, but Jjaro shouldn’t mind. He’ll be happy. But I wonder what he’s going to use it for.

“You look happier than usual, Jjaro. Is it because it’s going to be your birthday soon?”

Once I asked that because I noticed that he seemed to be in a good mood, Jjaro grumbled in a complaining voice.

“What? Am I not allowed to be happy?”

“No, that’s not what I meant······.”

“I’m joking. Well, something good is going to happen on my birthday this time.”

I muttered nervously, worried that I might have offended him, but Jjaro laughed in response.

“Something good? What’s going to happen?”

“Mm······. For starters, my parents said that they’ll be able to spend time with me during my birthday. Although they won’t be able to stick around for long.”

I immediately understood why Jjaro was in a good mood.

Jjaro’s parents were both dispatched overseas and they have been gone for several years now. That’s why Jjaro lives by himself. He waits several months at a time for his parents to come home.

“So, I’m sorry, but if your cold hasn’t gotten better by then, I won’t be able to come to nurse you on my birthday.”

“Okay. I understand.”

That’s why I understand how Jjaro feels. I understand why he can’t stay with me constantly as well. It’s a bit unfortunate, but I don’t want to interfere with Jjaro’s precious time. Jjaro will probably be happy with that as well.

Your family is important, after all. It’s really, really important.

“If your cold gets better before my birthday, then I’ll leave some cake for you.”

“Getting better for some leftover cake doesn’t sound that appealing······.”

If possible, I want to cut his birthday cake with him. Of course, I’m happy by the mere fact that he’s being considerate of me.

“It isn’t some cake they sell at a bakery. I’m going to bake it myself.”

“Really? You know how to bake as well, Jjaro?”

“I learned how to for the sake of this birthday. Mm······. Okay. You’re right that giving you leftover cake isn’t that great, so I’ll bake you something later on if you get better before then. Is this all right?”

I’m going to have to do whatever I can to get over my cold before his birthday.

I didn’t even give him a response, but he must have read my expression as Jjaro let out a laugh.

“Seriously, you’re weak when it comes to food. Saeyeon, you need to start learning how to live by yourself as well. I can’t look over you forever, you know?”

Normally, I would have accepted those words without much thought. I would have made a face that looked as if I wanted him to look after me forever, or I would have just assured Jjaro that he doesn’t have to worry.

But.

“Did something······ happen?”

I don’t know why, but Jjaro’s face looked a bit down as he said that. It almost felt as if he were saying his final words.

It felt similar to the words my mom said to me a long time ago, so I unconsciously wound up asking back.

“Uuh······. I originally planned to tell you a little later, after I’ve told my parents first.”

Jjaro smacked his lips in response to my question. Jjaro has a habit of doing that whenever he feels troubled.

“I was actually offered to study abroad.”

“Study, abroad······?”

“Yup! You probably don’t know about it, but I was invited by a rather famous university. They seemed to have taken a liking to my inventions, so they offered to write me a recommendation to a science high school that’s endorsed by them and asked if I would like to attend their university after I’ve studied there for a bit.”

Jjaro spoke a little shyly but in a boasting tone.

“Studying abroad······. That means you’re going to another country to study, right?”

“That’s right. The university is in America. They seem to think I’m still a little lacking to be immediately invited to their university, but it’d be a waste to miss this opportunity. Only our homeroom teacher and I know about this.”

Jjaro became interested in science ever since we started middle school. I don’t understand what’s so fun about it, but Jjaro says its fun.

Jjaro has always been good at studying, but even I didn’t expect him to be called a genius. He won multiple science competitions and managed to appear in a newspaper after obtaining a couple of patents. He was called a young, no, a child prodigy scientific inventor.

“I plan to tell my parents and get their permission when they arrive. Well, my English isn’t that great yet, but that should naturally improve as I continue to live there. I plan to go to the university this upcoming break and once I make a decision after consulting with them, I think they plan to give me professional education. I’ll probably only be there for a few months at first, but starting from next year, I’ll······.”

Jjaro spoke as if he were delighted, as if he were happy. He continued in a tone that was more excited than usual as he talked about what he was going to do from now on. As if he wanted me to be happy as well and to be impressed.

But I couldn’t be happy.

I couldn’t sleep that night.

 

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My mom passed away before I entered elementary school.

My mom was kind, gentle, and brave, but her body was weak. That’s why she was always worried that my body being weak since I was little was her fault.

In the end, she fell gravely ill and passed away.

I was very sad because of this.

Furthermore, before long, before much time could pass, Dad introduced me to someone. He introduced her as my new mom.

I went beyond feeling sad and got angry instead.

I only have one mom.

I only have one beloved mom who’s kind, gentle, and brave, but has a weak body. I don’t need something like a new mom. What I want is my precious mom back.

It felt like my mom would truly disappear if I referred to that person as my mom, it felt like my mom would become forgotten like a person who never existed, so I came to a decision. I decided to never call that person my mom and to not think of her as my mom.

However, Jjaro would comfort me at these times. He would tell me that my mom wouldn’t want that. That my mom, who always said that families are precious, wouldn’t like it if I did that. That I was just getting another mom, so, if anything, this was a good thing.

I thought this idea was ridiculous at first.

There’s no way anyone could know whether she truly thinks that or not.

How can I think of this as getting another mom when I only have one? No matter what anyone says, there’s only one who exists in the world.

However, Jjaro was the one who said this to me, so I decided to believe him.

My mom who passed away said so as well. She said that Jjaro, at the very least, Jjaro will always stay by my side. I made a promise to my mom. She told me this before she passed away.

And, if Jjaro is next to me, then it’s like my mom never disappeared.

Since I’ve always been together with my mom and Jjaro since I was little. Since I remember my time when my mom was still around whenever I look at Jjaro.

Mom left Jjaro here for me, after all. He’s proof that Mom existed. I decided that if Jjaro is next to me, if I’m next to Jjaro, then Mom is still here next to me as well.

That’s why I thought that Jjaro would always be with me. I wanted him to be with me. It’s Jjaro who’s sometimes like my little brother, sometimes like my older brother, and sometimes like my dad, after all. He’s like family to me, so I want to get married to him one day and become a true family.

But, he’s going to study abroad. For a long time, or maybe he’ll never come back. He’ll disappear from my side.

But this is what Jjaro wants. It’s something he’s happy about.

Jjaro said that his dream is to become a great scientist. He said that he wants to one day become a scientist who’s respected by everyone. Different from me whose dream is to just stay at Jjaro’s side, Jjaro has a dream of his own and he was able to grab an opportunity.

I should honestly be congratulating him. I should tell him about how great that is and that I hope it goes well for him. Like when something good happens to your family. Like how you would treat your older or little brother.

However, despite this, even though I know this.

I feel like I might start hating myself for the first time.

I thought that I couldn’t become like my mom.

I felt like I couldn’t become a kind, gentle, and brave person who thinks about others before worrying about their own desires.

I wonder if it was because of this mental turmoil since I wound up not getting better from my cold. Jjaro teasingly said, ‘As I thought, I won’t be baking you a cake.’ Although he did come to nurse me every day as he promised.

As I thought, this was a happy occasion for him.

The fact that his parents were coming home and that he was going to accomplish his dream, these were things to be happy about.

I decided to believe that this couldn’t be helped.

After pondering, pondering, and pondering again, I came to this conclusion.

Even if he goes to a foreign country, I’ll still be able to contact him. He might come back one day. Or maybe, I could go to Jjaro in the future after I graduate and grow up.

I resolved myself to send him off with a smile.

If that didn’t happen, I would have been able to do this.

 

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After a few days, Jjaro’s birthday arrived.

I hadn’t gotten completely better, but I was nearly over my cold. My fever had gone down a lot and my body felt lighter. I also started to feel hungry.

I should brag about this to Jjaro and ask him to make me something to eat. I immediately knocked on my head with my fist after I had that thought.

Let’s not bother Jjaro today.

Today is Jjaro’s birthday. His parents are coming home and he’ll tell them about his plan to study abroad. It’s a happy day.

Let’s not bother him and manage by myself today. Jjaro won’t be able to help me from now on, so from today forth, I’ll become independent from Jjaro.

“······But.”

Since I don’t know how to cook and because it’s Jjaro’s birthday today, I decided to order some food. I decided to celebrate Jjaro’s birthday by myself from the other side of the wall.

In the morning, I ate the food Jjaro prepared for me yesterday and I started to listen in on the sounds that came from next door around the afternoon. I paid attention to the footsteps in the hallway and the signs of people approaching the building while wondering when Jjaro’s parents would arrive.

I planned to greet them since it’s been a long time and have a little chat with them as well. I shouldn’t let them know what Jjaro plans to tell them, but there’s a chance they might refuse if Jjaro brings it up all of a sudden. Something like how could a young person study abroad, and what was he going to do about the house.

Nonetheless, no matter how long I waited since the morning, I didn’t hear anything. Even after the morning had passed, the afternoon had passed, and the time when Jjaro got back home from school had passed, I didn’t hear Jjaro’s parents come home.

I became a little worried.

Jjaro was looking forward to this so much, but I suddenly had my doubts.

I promised and resolved myself that I wouldn’t go see Jjaro today. That I wouldn’t bother him and act childish around him today.

“······Jjaro?”

I pressed the doorbell. Despite the ‘Ding dong⎯⎯⎯’ there was no response. I used the spare key that we have of each of our houses and entered his home.

The lights were off.

Within the darkness, Jjaro was sitting by himself at the dining table.

“······.”

Jjaro didn’t say anything. He didn’t raise his head either as he remained seated. On top of the dining table were the food Jjaro had prepared and a birthday cake that didn’t look particularly pretty, but was apparent that he had baked it himself.

I almost wanted to cry.

I wanted to run up to Jjaro and hug him.

I wanted to comfort Jjaro like he comforted me.

“······They aren’t coming.”

However, before I could even take a step forward, Jjaro finally spoke. He spoke in a dry voice.

“I got a call. They said that they’re both going to be posted overseas. That they’re both going to live well in the houses that they had respectively acquired.”

“Jjaro······.”

“They said they aren’t going to come to this house anymore.”

I’m not sure if he was cutting me off or if I had timed my words poorly as Jjaro continued.

“They didn’t say sorry or wish me a happy birthday. I didn’t have the time to say anything either. They just passed the message and ended the call.”

“······.”

“In the end, it’s always been like this.”

I heard the sound of Jjaro clenching his jaw.

“They never cared about me nor did they ever need me.”

Jjaro took off his glasses and began to rub his forehead as she spoke.

“Ever since I was little and to this very day, I was just a thorn to them that they didn’t feel like taking care of or worrying about.”

Slowly, the hand that was on the table began to shake.

“And yet, while knowing nothing, I kept happily getting deceived about how great families are, making me do something like this.”

Although it wasn’t made well, the birthday cake that was very obviously made by hand and Jjaro had worked really hard on.

The birthday cake that he had made with his own hands.

Jjaro got up and grabbed it. He lifted it up. He gritted his teeth as he got ready to throw it.

“Something like this······!”

“Jjaro!”

At that moment, Jjaro stopped after I barely managed to let out a shout.

Slowly, with a strange look in his face, he turned to me.

“I, uhm, well······.”

I was scared. Jjaro has never looked at me with those eyes before. I had never him this upset or look like someone who had been stolen from.

Nonetheless, I had a premonition.

A premonition that I would never see Jjaro again if I didn’t do anything here. Never again.

“I-I······s-still haven’t, gotten better, from my cold······.”

Words that will hold Jjaro.

Words that would hold onto his ankles so that he couldn’t leave my side.

If Jjaro thinks as I think he will think, as I want him to think, if he remembers the promise he made with my mom, then he won’t be able to leave with these words.

“I-I’m sorry. You said you couldn’t nurse me on your birthday, but, well, as I thought, it’s s-scary, without you, so······.”

As if I were completely oblivious, as if I were a child who could only think for herself.

“That cake, if you aren’t going to eat it, then can you, give it to me······?”

I said.

“······.”

Jjaro stayed silent for a moment while frozen in that pose as he looked at me. He looked as if he were contemplating what to do.

As if he were contemplating whether he should get upset at me for being so oblivious and inconsiderate like his parents, or take care of me like he would a pitiful, foolish, and childish person.

“······Seriously.”

Jjaro let out a sigh. He put down the cake.

With a tired and angry glint in his eyes, Jjaro spoke to me.

“It’s my birthday, so let’s have a party.”

Like this, I held on to Jjaro.

While ignoring Jjaro’s sadness, while stepping all over Jjaro’s feelings.

As I thought, I don’t think I can become a kind girl.

If he stays here, then Jjaro will constantly remember that he was abandoned and that he had been deceived.

That’s why I was afraid that Jjaro would leave without a word after this. I was afraid that he would silently pack up his stuff, go abroad, and leave this place, everything behind.

In the past, Jjaro’s parents would often send his living expenses late. I thought that they might stop sending him anything after this, so I asked my mom and dad. I asked if Jjaro could keep looking after me.

And I decided to stay as a child.

As a foolish, idiotic, and hopelessly lacking child who wouldn’t make it if someone didn’t look after her.

If I do this, then Jjaro will stay with me.

Then he won’t be able to throw me away and will always stay by my side.

In exchange, I decided to also stay by Jjaro’s side at all times.

I decided to always be on Jjaro’s side, always be considerate of him, and do everything for his sake.

And to also become a good girl.

Since I held on to him with my selfishness and got in the way of his dream, I decided to become a girl kinder than everyone else. And to not have any more selfish desires than this.

If I did, then someone might be harmed again.

I believed that this was the only thing I could do.

The only thing I could do as the person who had grabbed Jjaro’s ankles, cut his wings that were flying him to his dream, and put him in a cage.

Jjaro started to slowly change after this.

He had always been curt and didn’t socialize with others, but after this happened, he started to hate people.

He started to believe that he was a special existence, that he was different from the rest, and that everyone else was below him.

Naturally, the way he treated me changed as well.

As I continued to break Jjaro like this, I remained at his side. While believing that I would be able to cure Jjaro with my strength one day. While believing that one day, one day Jjaro and I would become a family and I’ll be able to fix his heart that hates families and other people.

This was probably irrational.

That’s why, it couldn’t be helped that things would turn out like this.

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TL note: Thanks for reading the chapter. I’m sorry this took much longer than usual to release. As I said in my brief update, after I released that last chapter of the Dungeon Defense WN, I had my flight back to Korea and I was then busy for the most part handling university matters and also meeting up with my friends to give them their souvenirs. I also wanted to relax for a while because of the jet lag and the exhausting trip I had just returned from.

In any case, I hope you guys can bear with me as I continue translating. My university delayed the next semester by 2 weeks because of the coronavirus, so I have some free time. I’ll see you guys in the next chapter.

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