We Should Have Slept While Only Holding Hands, And Yet?!: Volume 4 – Chapter 6

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6. Oneself

 

I ran out of cleaning fluid.

After the tears that I couldn’t control continued to flow, they eventually dried up completely.

This didn’t matter, though. I couldn’t see anything and I wasn’t looking at anything, after all.

It took me an entire night to organize my memories while inside a dark cardboard box. A message telling me to go into standby mode appeared in my electric brain.

However, I didn’t care. If anything, it’d be great if it turned off.

I had avoided charging myself in hopes that it would.

I stayed up all night because I didn’t want to see it as a dream, to see it organized in my subconscious as a dream.

“······Ahaha.”

A dry laugh slipped out of my mouth.

Subconscious. Even though I’m a robot. Am I having this misunderstanding because of those memories? Do I still think I’m Ja Saeyeon?

I understood everything now.

The reason behind those weird dreams and thoughts I would occasionally have, why everyone had stopped talking, why everyone had been gradually distancing themselves from me, why the Miss had shut herself in her room, how Master changed to become like that, and how the Miss became Miss Nabom, everything.

And what I’ve done until now.

I had taken her place, had literally ‘replaced’ her, and not as a mere imitation but as a complete copy.

Despite this, I said that I was jealous, that I envied her for being able to stand at his side and create memories together.

Even though I had taken the place of someone else.

Even though I had taken the time as a wife, as a mother, which she most likely wanted the most. Adding to that, not as ‘another person’ but as the ‘same person’, I said that I was jealous.

I hated myself the more I thought about it.

I hated myself, felt ashamed, and wanted to disappear the more I thought about it. It would have been great if I had just broken back then.

Everything I had done wasn’t for the sake of bringing the family together and making everyone reconcile.

If anything, I had destroyed everything and gotten rid of everything that remained.

I understood the meaning behind the Miss’ words and actions.

She’s most likely like me.

Everything was ruined because we were born.

No matter what we did or tried to do, we weren’t fixing anything but breaking things further.

That’s why she didn’t do anything. She didn’t do anything because not doing anything was the best thing she could do.

Now there was truly nothing left.

I had ultimately shattered the last remaining fragment that had been hanging off the ledge.

Master hasn’t returned home.

The older Miss hasn’t returned home either.

The Missus had also gone somewhere without a word.

The Miss had returned to her room.

And I remained here like this.

I simply went through my memories while inside a dark box.

My real and fake memories, all of it. The fun times I had.

The time where I ignorantly believed that I was Ja Saeyeon.

Each trivial thing I did in this time frame as Jin Jihye.

I waited for my remaining battery life to die as I played all of those memories in my head.

If my battery dies like this, then no one will probably try to wake me back up. I probably won’t ever wake up again.

In that case, I wanted to go into slumber while at least remembering the happy times.

“Ahaha······.”

As I expected, however, I still feel sad. I still feel frustrated.

I was now starting to feel sad for having run out of cleaning fluid. Tears wouldn’t come out even though I wanted to cry, after all.

In the end, a robot maid like me couldn’t do anything.

Even though I’ve been broken since the beginning, I still thought it would be better than this. I thought I would be able to do better than this.

“······Perhaps.”

As I went through my memories, the word ‘perhaps’ came out of my lips.

Maybe, in a one and ten thousand chance, if I had pretended to be Ja Saeyeon perfectly, if I had been a perfect copy, then would something have changed? Could I have changed this?

Jjaro······No, Master told me this. He said that I was most likely his ideal version of Ja Saeyeon.

If I had become that ideal version of the Missus, a kind, unselfish person who is considerate towards everyone, then I might have been able to solve everything. This thought went through my head.

Even though I knew it was already too late, that thought made me move my body.

I pushed aside the cardboard box that was covering me. Daylight shone into my dry eyes. They felt sore. This was probably also because of my memories.

With staggering steps that were weak because of my low battery, I headed towards the Missus’ room. I opened the closet. I took off my maid uniform and put on the Missus’ favorite clothes, the clothes that I also liked the most in my memories. I untied my hair. Hair which was roughly the same length as the Missus’ flowed down. I opened an accessory box and put on a flower pin.

Although I no longer look like the Missus, I would still often hear that I give off the same atmosphere as her. People would frequently ask if we were sisters, and, in reality, I actually was the Missus for a period of time. I was Ja Saeyeon, so maybe, perhaps······.

“······Ahahaha······.”

Of course, there’s no way that would happen.

The person in the mirror wasn’t Ja Saeyeon.

Be it our faces, our hair color, eye color, height, physique, and atmosphere, none of these things were the same. It wasn’t this or that.

I was simply someone who was imitating Ja Saeyeon.

I was something that couldn’t become real in the end.

I have never complained about being a robot. I never wanted to become human either. Even while watching or reading works of science fiction, I would shrug those ideas off thinking, ‘So you can think like that, huh? How impressive~.’

“Ahahahaha······!”

Nonetheless, at least at this moment, I wound up having that desire.

I should be able to cry. I could cry tears because of how funny this is, but I no longer have any tears left.

I couldn’t cry even if I wanted to.

At that moment, I heard the sound of the front door open. As I turned around instinctively and froze in shock, there was the sound of footsteps followed shortly by the door to the room opening.

“Ah······.”

“Ah······.”

I let out a sound on reflex. The real and the fake, at the same time.

With her mouth slightly agape, the Missus looked at me with wide, shock-filled eyes.

She stared at me as I was wearing her clothes with my hair down, wearing her signature hairpin without her permission, and imitating her. The thing that had taken her place.

“W-Wait! T-This isn’t what it looks like······!”

I tried to make up an excuse. I tried to tell her that this was a misunderstanding and that I didn’t do this with any ill intent in mind, but are there any other ways to explain this situation?

It’s the truth, so it’s inevitable that she would think this way.

She most likely doesn’t even want to see me after what happened yesterday, but after witnessing me wearing her precious clothes and accessories on my own accord, how could she interpret this any other way?

“I’m sorry!”

I bowed my head. Deeply, I bowed my head deeply.

She probably won’t forgive me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t apologize. There are so many things I have to apologize for, so I don’t know what to do, but······.

“I······.”

“Sorry.”

“······Pardon?”

Due to the totally unexpected response, I wound up asking back inadvertently. I raised my head and looked at the Missus.

With a thin, difficult to read smile on her face, the Missus bowed her head slightly towards me. It was only slightly, but the fact that she didn’t exaggerate her actions made her sincerity clear.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.”

“No, but, I······.”

“If it’s all right with you, can you let me apologize?”

Before I could stammer and utter any more words, the Missus gently cut me off.

“Let’s go shopping for clothes together.”

 

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

 

 

 

The Missus took me on a long bus ride to a department store. It was a store that I recall having visited only once before.

The Missus didn’t say anything as we traveled there. The most she did was open her mouth slightly before closing it shortly after as she watched me change back into my maid uniform. I also followed the Missus without a word.

In the first place, I didn’t have the right to refuse or ask questions. I have no rights, after all.

“······.”

The curious glances directed towards me bothered me a little. This must be because of the Missus’ memories. Even though this was my usual attire and I normally wouldn’t care about how other people looked at me, I felt a bit embarrassed now.

“Uhm, Missus······?”

The Missus didn’t say anything even after we got off the bus. She simply walked ahead of me. She advanced forward without any hesitation as if she had a set destination in mind already.

Once we arrived at the floor with ladies’ apparel, the Missus and I walked around the floor for a while. As expected, the other customers and even the workers kept turning to look at me because of my attire. I could hear whispering behind me. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it was embarrassing. This wasn’t like before.

Well, it’s obviously because I felt embarrassed now.

Previously, this outfit was my pride. It symbolized me.

“Are there any clothes you like?”

It took me a moment before I realized the Missus was talking to me.

“N-No······. I-I didn’t look at them properly······.”

I squirmed as I barely managed to squeeze out an answer while receiving a bunch of gazes. In truth, I hadn’t looked at a single article of clothing as we walked around the ladies’ apparel floor. The Missus giggled in response to my reaction.

“That’s no good. We came here to go shopping. Should we walk around a little slower this time?”

The Missus spoke with a gentle smile, but I shook my head. I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.

I couldn’t figure out why we had come here and why she was telling me this.

“I-It’s my fault. I won’t do it again.”

I could only guess that this was her way of getting revenge on me.

I don’t know how this could be considered revenge, but there’s no way she would forgive something like me.

However, the Missus smiled sadly in response to my apology and shook her head slowly.

“It’s not like that. Trust me.”

“T-Then why did you bring me here······? Did you perhaps need me as a baggage holder?”

This situation would make sense if that were the case. There’s no way she could forgive me, but there’s no problem with using me as a home appliance. Similar to how people don’t get seriously upset at their refrigerators or their washing machines. I could understand this situation if she purely uses me as a tool from now on. Although I want to disappear without a trace, if this is the Missus’ choice, then I have to accept it. If this is the most that I can do.

But the Missus shook her head again.

“I told you that’s not it. Why won’t you trust me?”

I couldn’t understand the reason behind her usual, albeit faint, smile, but I felt a little relieved by it. Even though I know that I shouldn’t.

The Missus smiled wryly as if she were sorry as she spoke.

“It’s just, I wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday, so I wanted to come here together with you and buy you some clothes as an apology.”

“Apologize for yesterday······?”

I inadvertently asked back. I didn’t understand.

I had so many things to apologize for that I was being squished under their weight, but something the Missus has to apologize to me for? The reason she got mad yesterday was because of me. It was my fault.

The Missus did her ‘ehehe’ giggle instead of answering me.

“In any case, it’s like that, so stop worrying about it and let’s find an outfit you like, okay?”

“But I don’t know anything about clothes and there’s no need for me to wear them······.”

“You wore my clothes earlier, didn’t you? You wore my school uniform last time as well.

“I’m sorry! That was······.”

Once I tried to apologize again, the Missus flicked my forehead lightly.

“Bad! You shouldn’t keep apologizing when I told you it was okay. I said it’s okay, so it’s okay. Stop worrying about that and go look for some clothes you like and tell me.”

It didn’t hurt, but I habitually rubbed my forehead anyway. I looked at the clothes around me, but, as I thought, I have no idea.

“C-Can you choose something for me, Missus?”

“Nope~. There’s no meaning to it if I pick something for you. It’ll only have meaning if you pick an outfit yourself, Jihye.”

Her tone was more stern than usual. It was a little overbearing, but it couldn’t be helped. I don’t know what she’s thinking and why she’s acting like this, but I gave in and started to look around at the clothes.

I don’t know much about clothes. In the past, the Missus would occasionally ask me what clothes looked pretty, but I’d have no idea. To me, they all seemed pretty and nice. Thinking about it now, this might have been obvious. The things the Missus likes are the things that I like, after all. Master most likely created me, no, a robot version of Saeyeon with these preferences as well.

I thought as I glanced at the Missus who was smiling gently as she looked at the clothes behind me. If that’s the case, then what clothes would Ja Saeyeon wear? What clothes would I have to wear to look like her? What clothes would she like?

“Ah······.”

As those thoughts were going through my head, a single set of clothes entered my line of sight.

Clothes that the Missus absolutely wouldn’t choose. Thus, I had turned away from it without much thought, but my eyes wound up returning to it. I found myself picking it up.

“Do you like that?”

“Ah, I······.”

I wasn’t able to immediately respond to the Missus’ question as she skipped towards me. Should I say that I like this?

“It looks pretty~! I feel like this kind of slightly mature outfit would fit you nicely, Jihye. It probably wouldn’t fit me that well.”

The Missus looked at the clothes I was holding up and giggled as she spoke. Purely as if she were having fun. As if she were praising the clothes her close friend had just picked out.

“But······.”

As I thought, I felt a little hesitant.

If it were Ja Saeyeon, then this kind of clothes wouldn’t suit her. It’s also a question whether this sort of clothes fits a maid robot or is even necessary to them.

“······.”

At that moment, I recalled something.

I nodded and answered the Missus.

“I-I like it.”

It didn’t seem like the Missus had any intention of going home until I chose something anyway. If that’s the case and I have to choose one thing, then I’ll choose this.

Even though it’s something that Ja Saeyeon, a robot maid wouldn’t wear. Still.

The Missus smiled brightly once she heard my answer.

“Wait a second, then. Excuse me⎯⎯! Can we try this on?”

The employee who was chatting with someone else was startled by the Missus’ sudden shout before approaching us. I urgently tried to talk to the Missus.

“Wait a moment, Missus. I······.”

“It’s okay.”

The Missus shook her head slightly.

“It’s okay.”

While repeating the same words, the Missus looked at me. She stuck her hand out to tell the employee to wait a moment before handing the clothes I picked back to me and speaking.

“There’s no need for you to imitate me.”

She made me hold the clothes tightly.

“There’s no need for you to be bound by your clothes.”

With a warm smile on her face, she spoke.

“It’s okay for you to take those clothes off now. I think it’s okay.”

“······.”

I failed to say anything back as I looked back and forth between the Missus and the clothes.

“Actually, I’ve always wanted to do something like this. Look at clothes, chat, and go shopping together. I’ve always wanted to do this with both you and Jaim.”

While shyly scratching her cheek, the Missus spoke in a weaker voice with a slight dispirited expression on her face.

“I’m sorry, about yesterday. You were trying to be considerate and cheer me up, but I only said bad things. I only got upset at you. It’s my fault.”

“Pardon······?”

For a moment, I didn’t understand what she was talking about. I’m the one that has to apologize. The one at fault here is me. Everything is my fault.

“I was actually jealous of you, Jihye. Ever since I found out about what was going to happen to me in the future, I’ve constantly been jealous.”

A sad smile settled on the Missus’ lips as she spoke. The employee could tell that this wasn’t a conversation which they should take part in, so they backed away quietly.

“I said this yesterday, but I tried to pretend as if I was fine with someone taking my place after I’m gone. As a mother figure. Honestly, that’s a really hard topic for me to talk about.”

The Missus let out her ‘ehehe’ giggle weakly as she scratched her cheek. I know what she means. I had those memories as well, after all.

“That’s why, in the beginning, I tried to accept it as I did in the past. I told Jaim as well that you’re family, my replacement. I told her to think of you as another mom who could love her in my place so that things would be okay when I’m no longer around. I tried to convince myself as well.”

But it was probably impossible.

This wasn’t about someone else, but herself, after all.

“Slowly, slowly, in order to think of it like that and convince myself that it was okay, I thought that if I got closer to you and behaved as I usually did, then I could overcome this. But······.”

The finger that was scratching the Missus’ cheek slowly came to a stop.

“But, as I thought, it was impossible for me. I ended up thinking about it constantly. About how nice it’d be if I could, live, and stay, in my spot. I wanted to······.”

Her finger went above her cheek and rubbed her eye.

“I then found out later. What happened afterward. That after I disappeared, Jihye was created as my copy and ended up behaving like you were me.”

“······.”

“I promised to keep it as a secret. I wanted to overcome it. When you told me you were jealous of me even though I became jealous of you after Jjaro told me everything, as I thought, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.”

I pictured a dam.

Dams can contain a lot of things, overcome them, and prevent them from leaking,

but the instant a small crack is formed, everything that had piled up until then will come spewing out.

“But······ I thought about it all night.”

However, the dam that had fiercely spilled out everything that had piled up until yesterday was calm like a river today.

“I thought back to the time when Jjaro told me that he hated me.”

Her bitter smile contained regret and concern.

“I thought about how I would feel if I were you.”

Nonetheless, the Missus spoke while giggling a little shyly.

“You said that you were jealous of me just like how I was jealous of you. If I were a replacement of someone else, an imitation of someone else, then how would I feel? When I thought about it, I started to genuinely consider how I would feel if I were someone’s replacement.”

“······.”

“And when I got back home, I came back to talk to you, but, as I thought, I felt like you had the same idea as me.”

Even though how I appeared should have angered her like it did yesterday.

It should have appeared as if I were trying to imitate her and take her place. That’s how it should have looked to her.

“That’s probably how I thought of you until now as well. Regardless of whether I ran away or disappeared, you were just a robot that took my empty place. You were simply my replica. The reason why I always spoke formally to you and used ‘Miss’ wasn’t due to the fact that I respected you, but because I wanted to keep my distance from you and because I only saw you as a tool.”

With a sad expression on her face that seemed as if she were sorry for having done that, the Missus pushed the clothes that were in my hand more towards me.

“But I think both you and I were wrong.”

“We were wrong······?”

“Yup. In the end, I’m me, and you’re you. Ja Saeyeon is Ja Saeyeon. Jin Jihye is Jin Jihye.”

The Missus looked straight at me as she spoke.

“I think that we can’t become the same and we mustn’t do so either.”

I recalled something once I heard those words.

What Master said to me when I was depressed.

⎯⎯You’re definitely what I thought the perfect Saeyeon would be.

⎯⎯But, that’s actually impossible. You’re not Saeyeon, after all.

At that time, those words made me sad.

It meant that I was made for that goal but failed. It meant that I was a failure since the beginning.

⎯⎯You’re, more like my mirror.

Master’s words hurt me.

Those words felt like he was ridiculing me and marking me as a failed product.

When he told me he needed me as a failure, as a lesson for what not to do, it tormented me greatly.

This might have been why I hoped that wasn’t the case. To prove that I’m not a failure. To prove that I could become the perfect Ja Saeyeon. This might have been why I was jealous. The perfect Ja Saeyeon was right next to me, after all. The existence that I envied and wanted to be like, but couldn’t, was next to me.

And that person was talking to me.

“I, honestly don’t know what I should do.”

With a forlorn face, an expression similar to what I had before.

“I want to do something, but I can’t.”

While trying her best to smile, a smile that was different from mine.

“But I want to believe that Jin Jihye can do something about this. Not Ja Saeyeon, not some simple robot maid, and not Jjaro, but you.”

I closed my eyes and thought. I pondered.

Jin Jihye. XMR-Mk.XXI ‘Eureka’.

An improved robot model made by Jin Jaro to imitate Ja Saeyeon.

The ideal version of Ja Saeyeon imagined by Jin Jaro.

An existence that’s not Jin Jaro, Ja Saeyeon, or a simple robot maid.

This reality cannot be changed as a robot maid.

This situation cannot be overcome as Ja Saeyeon.

However, if I really am, perhaps, an ideal existence.

If I’m an existence that has Jin Jaro’s thoughts and hopes, Ja Saeyeon’s memories and feelings, then, although there was no certainty, maybe I could······.

I pondered. There were no certainties, after all.

I felt anxious and hesitant. There was no way to know whether this was for the best or not. I may be broken and on my last leg, but there were things that I have done until now. I have memories as Ja Saeyeon’s robot and as my time as a robot maid.

I have existed until now, after all.

Nevertheless, I can’t help but feel sad and frustrated.

The more I think about my happy past, the sadder and more frustrated I get.

The fact that those memories will disappear and that no one genuinely felt happy during those times saddened and frustrated me.

I learned that nothing will change if I don’t do anything.

Nothing will change if no attempt at change is made.

I took in a deep breath and opened my eyes.

I gave a final farewell in my mind.

To Ja Saeyeon’s robot, to the robot maid.

⎯⎯⎯⎯Goodbye.

I held the clothes close to me and spoke.

“Wait a bit for me.”

Saeyeon’s eyes opened wide in response to my words.

“······Okay. I will.”

But she answered with a smile. I turned to the employee who was a short distance away from us and had no idea what we were talking about and spoke.

“Excuse me, could you lend me some scissors? I promise to not do anything weird.”

······As I thought, I still have to speak politely in these situations.
(TL note: Jihye has been speaking formally until now, but after she resolved herself, she spoke informally when telling Saeyeon to wait for her before promptly switching back to formal when addressing the employee.)

The employee seemed surprised as they turned to look at the other employee while perplexed. Saeyeon headed to the counter to make the purchase beforehand. Was that a good idea? We haven’t checked whether this size fits me or not.

Regardless, I’ll end up hesitating again if I don’t commit to my decision after having resolved myself.

I took the clothes and scissors and headed to the bathroom.

I put on the clothes that I had chosen, not as Ja Saeyeon or as a robot maid, but as Jin Jihye. The maid uniform that I had been wearing until now slipped to the floor.

With a mirror in front of me, I grabbed my long hair that had been bothering me since earlier. I held the scissors in my other hand.

The hair of robots acts as a way to radiate heat. They function as a means to vent the heat that comes from their electrical brain activities. Thus, robot maids normally have long hair. It’s easier to emit heat if the surface area is wider, after all.

“······That’s probably wrong.”

That was probably an excuse.

Ja Saeyeon had long hair. Jin Jaro likes long hair.

⎯⎯⎯⎯But to me, as I thought, long hair was bothersome.

Along with the sound of a snip, strands of hair fell to the floor.

I cut and trimmed my hair to look like how I want it to, in the shape which Jin Jihye wants.

Skillfully according to the skills inputted into me as a robot maid, like the time when I cut Jaim’s hair.

But this time, it was how I wanted it to be. How I imagined it.

I brushed my hair once while looking at the mirror. I think it came out rather prettily.

It helps to be a robot in times like this, huh. I chuckled lightly.

······On the other hand, since I knew that the person who will come here to clean later will have a hard time, I gathered all the strands of hair that I cut and put them in the garbage. I understand very well the difficulties of cleaning and that hair is especially hard to clean.

What was reflected in the mirror was Jin Jihye.

Not Ja Saeyeon or a robot maid, but a girl who I was seeing for the first time.

I spoke towards the girl who seemed to look happy for some reason.

“⎯⎯⎯⎯Hi.”

Jihye gave me a welcoming smile.

 

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TL note: Thanks for reading the chapter. This chapter was actually a lot shorter than I thought it’d be. It’s sort of a relief, though. I’ve had some food poisoning issues since last night and I’m probably going to take a couple of days to get better before I get back to translating. This is probably the worst case of food poisoning I’ve ever had. It really sucks. I’m not sure if it affected my translating.

In any case, I’ll see you guys when I get better.

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