We Should Have Slept While Only Holding Hands, And Yet?!: Volume 4 – Chapter 4

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4. Divergence

 

 

Everything about schools is half-enforced.

The composition of classes, sitting positions, cleaning duty, and all sorts of events. Even the ‘late-night self-study’ program which our school doesn’t do, there is no ‘self’ to it either.

Events are the same. The participation of field trips and sports day, which are carried out under the pretext of being educational, is forcefully recommended even though it’s difficult to find the connection between these events and studying.

“······Jaro, do you have anything you want to say?”

“······.”

My other group members gave me an uncomfortable gaze as I stayed quiet. I didn’t want to say anything, but this will probably last longer than necessary if I continue to stay silent.

“I don’t care what happens, so do what you want.”

“But······.”

“······.”

I didn’t have anything more that I wanted to say. I folded my arms and closed my mouth.

“······.”

And Saeyeon quietly watched me as I behaved this way.

The groups for the school excursion had been determined. As expected, it was by force.

Forming groups makes it easy to manage people. By grouping people together, supervising large bodies of people becomes simpler and the members of each group will try to keep an eye on each other under the pretext of joint responsibility. It’s the group’s responsibility if something happens to one of their group members. It’s perfect for keeping an eye on the students during school excursions.

Furthermore, since I was apparently designated as a student that requires special attention, I was forced into the same group as Saeyeon since she was the same.

I felt like this was because I haven’t been talking to Saeyeon lately and our relationship had become strange. Our classmates, including our homeroom teacher, all think it’s only natural that I’d be together with Saeyeon, after all. They also seemed to want that. They probably wanted us to use this opportunity to talk a little and reconcile.

They don’t even know that that would just make the problem worse.

They don’t even know that that torments and breaks me more.

Well, it’s a question as to if I have anything left that can be broken. I unintentionally let out a laugh. The others looked at me with more concern. They looked like they were looking at a crazy person.

I haven’t gone insane. If anything, it’d probably be better if I did, but I’m still sane. That’s why it hurts more.

What sort of mistake have I made?

Why do I have to suffer like this?

Although my mind continues to scream despite having nothing else that can be broken or injured, I couldn’t even shed a tear.

I’ve probably shed all of my tears already. I’m most likely completely dried up. Truly, I have nothing left.

These thoughts went through my head as I remained silent.

 

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

 

“······Jjaro.”

On the way home from school. I turned my head towards the source of the voice.

It was Saeyeon’s voice.

It’s been a little over a month now. A voice I was hearing for the first time in a long while. A soft and meltingly sweet voice. A unique way of saying my name by putting an emphasis on the first letter of my name. All of these things were lovely and I missed them. Even though I was aware of these things, despite all of this.

“······What?”

I barely managed to respond. As curt as possible, in a way that told her to not get close to me.

Nonetheless, my eyes involuntarily remained on Saeyeon.

As I thought, did she lose weight? She looks a little less energetic than before. Her shoulders also look a little narrower. Her charming cheeks had sunken in slightly as well, revealing the faint outline of her cheekbones. The gloss in her hair also seemed weaker as it fluttered gently in the wind.

The face that would always look at me with a bright smile now looked sad.

I didn’t want to, but, in truth, my eyes would always drift towards Saeyeon from time to time.

Saeyeon has been gradually returning to her previous state.

It was only incrementally, but she’s begun to talk to her friends again. It’s only by a little bit, but my eyes started to notice that her sad expression was slowly vanishing.

Even at home, she’s been talking with Jihye about something. I don’t know what they’ve been talking about, but I can take a guess.

She has probably, although not completely yet, started to overcome the situation. I honestly think she’s amazing.

As I thought, contrary to the image I arbitrarily had of her before, she’s actually incredibly strong. Stronger than someone like me.

“I was wondering if it’d be all right to go home together.”

······Like this.

Despite my curt response, even though she still looks like she’s about to cry, Saeyeon spoke with a small, radiant smile.

How is she able to act like this?

Even though she knows everything, everything that’s going to happen in the future, and everything that’s going to happen to her and my life, how can she say something like this?

“······Do whatever you want.”

And how is she capable of being this lovely?

I felt like the last bit of whatever was left inside of me was about to flow out, so I didn’t wait for her response and turned around. I moved my feet. I heard some hurried steps behind me. Shortly after, I heard regular footsteps a short distance away from me.

I wanted to grab her hand right this instant. Like how I vowed to her once before. Like how I resolved myself on that day. I didn’t want to let go of her twice.

I wanted to embrace her tightly and cry.

Even though I know that all of these emotions were fabricated.

That all of these emotions are present in order to make me fall further into despair. Even then.

Why is she approaching me? Was this also a type of punishment? Even though she should know that we would only hurt each other if she approached me. Like how two hedgehogs would just prick each other if they got close to one another. They would still do so in order to share each other’s warmth when it’s cold.

I had an urge to run away somewhere far from Saeyeon right this instant, but at the same time, I also had an urge to go somewhere even closer to Saeyeon.

Truly, it would make things so much easier if I weren’t sane.

“······It’s almost here already. The school trip.”

I heard Saeyeon’s voice behind me. I did my best to not let whatever remained inside me flow out as I continued to walk.

“Even after entering high school, we’re going to the same place together.”

I didn’t answer her. I mustn’t say anything.

“You know, I thought it would be especially fun this year. If we go together on the school trip, that is. More than anything else we’ve done and more than last time.”

I shouldn’t answer her. I shouldn’t say anything, but.

I considered just getting angry and shouting at her. Like what I did to Nanda. Taunt her a bunch and poke at where it hurts. Stop her from approaching me any further by hurting her more. No, I had to do this.

“······I thought so as well.”

But, it flowed out in the end.

“I see.”

I heard Saeyeon respond to the words I barely managed to squeeze out.

My steps became slower. This was probably because I subconsciously wanted to match the footsteps of Saeyeon who was walking behind me. I managed to suppress that desire as I maintained my pace.

Saeyeon’s pace increased a little instead. In the corner of my eyes, Saeyeon entered a range where I could see her clearly if I turned my eyes.

“Jjaro.”

Even though I shouldn’t turn towards her, I shouldn’t look at her. Even though this would make me think like I did before. In the end, my eyes wound up turning.

“Would it be impossible to go back to how things were before?”

“⎯⎯⎯······.”

My half-opened mouth let out a breath that sounded like gibberish. Saeyeon looked at me tearfully, but with a smile that appeared as if she were deliberately holding back her tears, as she asked.

“Would it be impossible to forget what happened, believe that those events won’t happen, and go back to how it was before······? Hold hands, link arms, and be happy together?”

Saeyeon spoke in a small voice. It was so fragile that it was being taken away by the wind, but it was just loud enough to reach my ears.

“Talk together, eat together, look towards the same place, and walking towards it together······. As I thought, is this asking for too much?”

As if she wanted to hear my answer, as if she were demanding me to answer her, Saeyeon looked at me and asked me this as if she was making a small wish.

I wanted to as well.

I didn’t want that much. I just, want to be at her side.

I want to talk with her, eat with her, look towards the same place and walk towards it together while holding hands.

I thought this before, but this was more than enough for me.

And yet······I couldn’t.

Because I had found out what was at the end of the path if we walked together.

In the end, insuperable despair will block our path like a perilous mountain range. I wind up letting her hand go at a cliff. A wide, raging, uncrossable river will situate itself between us.

I want to believe that we can overcome it. I want to believe that it’ll be different this time.

But, that’s probably impossible.

If Saeyeon is gone, then I’ll really break apart.

I’m not strong enough to overcome the situation without Saeyeon, even if I know that she had left something behind. Be it late or early, I’ll break down in the end. More severely than now. To an incomparable degree.

I’m going to end up missing my chance, after all. My greed, my greed to stay together with Saeyeon is the reason behind Saeyeon’s demise, after all.

If it’s now, then I can still maintain this. From a breakneck point.

Even if I can’t look towards the same place with her, even if we can’t walk together, as long as I know that Saeyeon exists somewhere, I can stop at this breakneck point. At a point where I haven’t completely broken down yet.

“······Ja Saeyeon.”

But, and yet.

“······Yeah, Jjaro?”

And yet, I end up being greedy. I end up wanting to do whatever I can. While holding back my tears, I spoke.

“Can’t we be happy, like we used to, with just the two of us?”

I had said to Jaim that someone like that is a piece of trash, that they’re the worst, and that those aren’t words that a human should say, and yet.

“Things were fine with just the two of us, weren’t they?”

They’re important, they’re all important, but if I can only protect one thing, then I have no choice but to choose the thing I cherish the most.

“I may have, hurt you a lot, and honestly, I didn’t like you before, but wasn’t it fine with just the two of us?”

My own words were hurting me, my own words hurt me deeply because I knew where I was going with this, but I have to say it.

“I’m different now. I don’t think like that anymore. We can be as happy as we want with just the two of us, can’t we? It’s fine if just the two of us become happy. We can hold hands and walk the same path.”

“······.”

“There are tons of people who live like that and they’re all happy, so wouldn’t it be fine if the two of us also became happy like that? Huh? Saeyeon······.”

Slaa⎯⎯⎯······ap.

The sound resonated through the dry winter wind.

The taste of iron spread throughout my mouth. I didn’t rub my cheek. I didn’t return my turned head back to its original position.

“······Are you, saying that genuinely, Jjaro?”

Because I would see it if I turned my head.

“Are you, saying that, because that’s how, you truly think right now?”

I’ll end up seeing tears flow down Saeyeon’s face, her biting her lips, and trembling.

“Are you, saying that because, you seriously think, it’d be fine if Jaim didn’t exist, if we got rid of her?”

“······It can’t be helped.”

I grit my teeth. I clenched down so hard that my jaw hurt. The blood flowing inside of my mouth filled my mind.

“It can’t be helped! You’ll die if we don’t! Not someone else, Ja Saeyeon, you’re the one who’s going to die!”

And then, the final something that I couldn’t hold back, flowed out.

If there was another choice, then I would have chosen it. If there’s a way for everyone to be happy, a miraculous way where no one is hurt and we can all stay together······.

But there isn’t.

If there were, then this conversation wouldn’t be happening.

If all the previous iterations of myself were thinking the same thing and had discovered an answer after trying everything they could possibly do, then this would have never happened in the first place.

“I don’t want to say something like this either! There’s still some time left! There’s still some time left before you die! So, at the very least, I want to remain hopeful till then! That it won’t happen! That it’ll be different!”

Until our time is up. During this not so long period of time.

“But nothing is going to change! I can’t protect everyone! I’m not a hero that can do anything!”

In the end, there’s a limit to everything. Even if I don’t pray, even if I use the time to pray to move my hands instead, there’s a limit to how much my hands can hold.

Even as I say this, I know.

I know that I’m garbage. That I shouldn’t be saying something like this.

I know how selfish, cruel, and terrible these words are. And yet, despite that.

“I want to become happy too! I can be happy!”

Although I can’t have everything, I can at least pursue a new path with a small bit of happiness, escaping all of the misfortune I had experienced to this day and my future path that’s destined to be misfortunate. And yet······!

“······Do you really, think you can do that?”

While biting her lips, Saeyeon glared at me as she spoke.

“Do you think you can forget everything and become happy even though you know that Jaim no longer exists, that you had gotten rid of your precious daughter, Jjaro?”

A line of red liquid flowed down from the trembling Saeyeon’s split lip.

“Do you think, I’ll be happy if you do that?”

“It’s better than you dying!”

“······Even though Jaim has grown older than us and become an adult, she still feels sad and guilty because her birth causes my death, and yet, do you really think that we won’t become like that and that the two of us will be able to just live happily?”

“······.”

Her words made me stop shouting.

Jin Jaim. My daughter who shut herself in her room once she found out that her birth causes her mother’s death.

Ha Nabom. My daughter who had given up on her life and is trying to give up on herself because she knows that Saeyeon’s death is what causes me to break down.

Then would Ja Saeyeon be any different?

Would she be able to simply live happily as long as she can live together with the person she likes?

“Right now, you’re just like your parents, Jjaro.”

Saeyeon said as she glared at me.

“You’re just like your parents who don’t care about what happens as long as they can be happy, your parents whom you’ve hated all this time, Jjaro. No, you’re worse. You’re seriously······the worst!”

I swallowed the words that I had been trying to pull out of my mouth.

I couldn’t possibly say anything in return.

Saeyeon ran past me as I had frozen in place. As if she wanted to get as far away from me as she could. As if she wanted to run far away from me.

“······Hahaha.”

I let out a laugh. I touched my cheek with my hand that I was barely managing to move.

I wanted to stop her.

Tell her that isn’t what I meant, that I went too far, that I made a mistake, that I’m sorry.

But.

“But, it can’t be helped······.”

My hand became cold due to the liquid that flowed down and covered it. I rubbed my face and my head as hard as I could with my hand.

“Even if you put it that way, what else can we do!?”

Who was I trying to say these words to?

The only sound that entered my ear was the sound of distant footsteps that was gradually fading away.

 

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

 

I felt the absolute worst. I felt like I was shoved inside a garbage can. Well, this feeling is most likely appropriate for a piece of trash.

It feels like I wouldn’t be able to endure this if I didn’t make self-deprecating jokes like this.

Similar to how wounds fester and rot if you don’t treat them, something inside me was festering and rotting.

The fact that I strangely didn’t dislike this feeling wasn’t even surprising anymore.

I’ll probably go mad like this. In the future as well. 2 years until Saeyeon’s death, and another 3 years after that until I break down completely. Was it a good thing that I was experiencing a process which should take a total of 5 years in only a single month?

“······.”

“······You aren’t saying anything, huh?”

Nabom, who had only been listening to me as she continued to read, glanced at me in response to my words.

“Do you want me to say something? I will if that’s what you want.”

“······It’s fine.”

I didn’t want to hear something like she would if I tell her to.

Even when I proposed the idea of not giving birth to her, of getting rid of her and becoming happy with Saeyeon, Nabom didn’t react in any way.

She’s most likely broken in her own way.

Seriously, birds of a feather flock together.

Doesn’t this mean this place actually is a junkyard? Broken people and useless sundries are present, and it’s a place that no one comes to.

I always had a habit of tormenting myself, but it has been getting worse with each passing day.

If someone asked me who I hated the most in the world, then I’d be able to answer them confidently. It’s me. The person that hates me the most and that I hate the most in the world, they’re both me.

Enduring this isn’t easy. If someone else hated me or, in reverse, I hated someone else, then we could avoid, run away from, or take drastic measures to take each other out.

However, no matter how much I hate myself, I can’t escape myself. I can’t get away from myself. I can’t, get rid of myself. I don’t have the courage to do so, after all. I’m weak.

No matter how much I want it, it won’t happen.

That’s why I always wanted someone, anyone, to like me. To need me. To not want me to disappear. But I didn’t have anyone like that.

My bravado and tendency to inflate my own ego and look down on others were things that I had developed because I had no confidence in myself.

Even if you hate yourself immensely, it’d be difficult to endure life if you don’t like yourself even remotely. There are people who are able to live their lives like this.

“In any case, it seems things are going well.”

Nabom commented as she flipped a page of her book.

“You’ve ultimately resolved yourself, after all.”

“······Yeah.”

All things considered, this might actually be a good outcome.

Now we really can’t look the same way or walk together. I’ve let go of her hand, after all.

“Will the future change with this?”

“Who knows? It’s too early to tell.”

Flip, I heard the sound of another page being turned.

“It’s good that you’ve quickly made your resolve, but there is still more than enough time for variables to appear. We won’t know until that time comes.”

“······Yeah.”

I had returned to the clubroom because I couldn’t go home after that. Nabom hadn’t gone home yet either as she was still here. It’s like she knew I would come here. The fact that she may have actually known was terrifying.

“Should I sleep here?”

I mumbled to myself. Spending my entire weekend here doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

“Saeyeon will probably go back to her place tomorrow anyway.”

She might have already packed her stuff and gone home already.

“Maybe I should just transfer to another school. Or I could drop out completely.”

I’ll remember things if I stay at home. There’s a chance that Saeyeon, who’s much stronger than me, will overcome it again. The best option would be to get rid of all variables entirely.

I can find a place to stay. Even if I’m pressed for living expenses, I still have my savings.  In the past, I intended to live by myself someday before all this happened. The time has finally come now.

High school isn’t compulsory anyway, so there should be no problem with dropping out. I should be able to work things out afterward. I still have my patents and my royalties, and I could get a part-time job if I have to.

“Well, as long as you don’t get caught by the security guard, you should be able to spend the night here.”

Nabom commented as she flipped another page.

“The weather is cold and there are no blankets, but it should be fine if you turn the heater on. There should be enough room for two people to sleep.”

“······What?”

“I still have some security deposit left after I left my studio flat. If we combine that, then that should be enough to afford a room for 2. After that, well, we should be able to make a living if the two of us get a job.”

“No, wait a second. What are you talking about?”

I asked in surprise. Nabom let out a small sigh in response to my question and put down her book. She looked straight at me as she spoke.

“Didn’t I tell you clearly before? My goal, my goal in life, is to make Underclassman Jin Jaro happy. I will do anything to accomplish this. I belong to Underclassman Jin Jaro, after all.”

“······.”

“I will stay by your side no matter where you go and at all times. I will sincerely do anything you need or want me to do. This is all I can do. This is the only way I can repent, after all.”

······This girl is definitely broken as well.

That’s the only thought that went through my head.

“······You aren’t going to go back?”

“There’s no place for me to go back to.”

Nabom shook her head. She had said these exact same words before when she came to our house and asked to stay with us.

Nabom is my future self’s subordinate. She had come here in order to maintain the future where I accomplish my dream at the price of my happiness. However, she became independent the moment she told me the truth and started to act for the sake of changing the future. There’s no way that my future self would welcome her with open arms.

In the first place, if a future like that exists, then that means we’ve failed again.

If she goes back to the future, then a loop will form again. The events that will transpire afterward will combine with the fixed events of the past within Nabom’s perspective. She can’t and mustn’t go back.

“······If I break up with Saeyeon like this and Jaim is never born, then will you really disappear?”

“There’s no way to know. It could happen.”

Nabom answered so casually that it frustrated me.

“If the future I came from and the present are on the same timeline, then I’ll disappear. If, like how my memories of my childhood are different from what happened this time, the timelines exist separately, then I’ll most likely stay. But I don’t particularly care whether it’s the former or latter.”

“······.”

“I said this before, but I’ll be satisfied as long as you aren’t unhappy.”

When you don’t know what to say, the best answer is to not say anything.

“Come to think of it, it seems like Underclassman Ja Saeyeon and Miss Jihye have been plotting something recently.”

“······I know.”

I nodded in response to her change of topic.

For the past few days, Saeyeon and Jihye have been together more often. This most likely started around the time Jihye snuck into our school. She keeps pretending as if something like that never happened, but the rumors had already spread throughout our entire school. The rumors don’t specifically say that it was Jihye, but they’re about some outsider who talked like a refined lady and wandered around our school while wearing our school uniform.

All sorts of nonsensical background stories have been getting attached to the outsider whom people suspect was a girl from some very prestigious family. People think that a girl who normally doesn’t attend school and had been home tutored all her life like in those mangas had visited our school because she yearned for the idea of going to school. I’m not sure if it’s because of this, but a trend of greeting one another with ‘How do you do?’ has been spreading among the female students in order to act lady-like. Furthermore, the female bathroom the girl had cleaned earnestly still remains clean to this day like some holy ground, Nanda’s reputation went down a bit because Nanda, who always seemed uninterested in girls, tried to flirt with her, and after people witnessed flowers bloom around her and Saeyeon as they talked happily and held each other’s hands, people are starting to wonder if Saeyeon actually bats for the other team. This is probably going to be a hot topic for quite a while. This might even become a school legend for generations to come.

“It isn’t funny. What was she thinking?”

“You say that, but you look like you’re enjoying it.”

“It’s a bitter smile.”

I cleared my throat and readjusted my facial expression. Nabom returned her gaze back to her book after she impassively watched me compose myself.

“In any case, give Miss Jihye a warning.”

“······To Jihye?”

Her advice bothered me a bit.

“From what I was told, Miss Jihye’s goal is to bring Underclassman Jin Jaro and Underclassman Ja Saeyeon back together like before.”

“······I don’t doubt it.”

Jihye doesn’t know anything, after all.

Even if she did, I doubt she’d act any differently.

On the night of the festival, the night where everything changed, we all made a single promise. We promised to not tell Jihye, who knew nothing, the truth. To keep her in the dark.

This probably seems funny in retrospect. Even though we were all broken and could no longer go back to how things used to be, the fact that we made that promise while in that state. The fact that we came to a mutual agreement to, at the very least, not tell Jihye. We had to keep Jihye in the dark so that she wouldn’t suffer as well.

“But we can’t do much about that. Jihye is a robot maid, so she’ll naturally try to do whatever she can to bring the family back together.”

Nabom flipped another page of her book before answering me.

“You must have forgotten, but Miss Jihye is my future father’s robot maid.”

I know that. The Saeyeon my future self had created, no, destroyed. I grit my teeth for a moment at that thought, but I quickly calmed down.

“So?”

“It seems you don’t understand. I’m trying to tell you that Miss Jihye is a robot. A machine that was programmed to follow and obey their master’s absolute orders.”

Nabom shook her head as she turned to face me.

“Consider this. My future father knows about Miss Jihye’s identity. He also knows that she’ll come to the past one day for the sake of this loop. Do you not think that he would use Miss Jihye as a tool?”

“A tool······?”

“A tool that binds Underclassman Jin Jaro together with Underclassman Ja Saeyeon, a tool that makes you two cherish and love one another, and a tool that creates a family.”

Those words made me remember something.

“Don’t tell me······!”

“You’ve probably experienced it before. A memory of gaining confidence thanks to Miss Jihye’s motivating words. The memory of getting the courage to take another step towards Underclassman Ja Saeyeon and resolving yourself to not give up on those feelings.”

······I did.

Shortly before the festival, I had gotten upset at Jaim.

After I had already learned the truth, about the events that were going to transpire in the future, I got upset at Jaim who knew nothing and had complimented me because she thought I created time machines so that I wouldn’t break up with Saeyeon.

Even though that wasn’t the case. Even though Saeyeon already doesn’t exist in Jaim’s future. Even though I didn’t invent it so that she could go back in the past to see Saeyeon again. Even though I can’t make it in the first place.

Because of this reality, I vented my anger towards myself out on Jaim, so I wound up getting scolded by Jihye. She then encouraged me. She told me to only do the things that I was capable of doing at that moment. To cherish my time together with Saeyeon. To express to her how much I cherish and love her. She then patted my back as I couldn’t endure it any longer and burst out into tears. She consoled me as she encouraged me to let it all out.

Even within Nabom’s past, although the target was Nabom when she was in middle school, in other words, I had shouted at Jayeon, she said that the outcome was pretty much the same.

I gained courage from her words. I cheered up. I was determined to cherish my time with her.

“Whether Miss Jihye had done those things consciously or unconsciously, don’t you see it in a new light now?”

She didn’t tell me to change the future, but to cherish my time with her.

She only told me to cherish Saeyeon.

Even though Jihye already knows what happens to Saeyeon in the future, that she dies. Even if she doesn’t know what happens afterward, she knows that that is the reason why I distance myself from Jaim and focus purely on my work.

“······It really is amazing.”

I was in awe.

Was everyone just a puppet on a stage? Was everything simply on the palm of their hand?

My sadness, frustration, despair, Saeyeon’s death, Jaim’s despair and change, and Jihye’s actions as well, all of it.

Was everything simply going according to my future self’s plan? Like how an author controls the characters in his stories, we’re walking along a predetermined path.

Was this it?

Ο

Ο

Ο

Ο

Ο

Intermission. Nabom

 

 

“Hoo······.”

I put down a box of my belongings and wiped away my sweat. It would have been nice if I still had my old hairstyle where I revealed my forehead in a time like this. I felt like I should change my hairstyle as I grew older, but I miss it a little. I brushed aside my bangs that were stuck to my forehead.

Why did I have to take after my dad and his curly hair? It isn’t partially curly like his either, it’s curlier. It would have been nice if I took after mom and had straight hair. Why does curly hair have to be a dominant trait?

“······Idiot.”

I hit my own head before placing my hands on my hips and gazing at the narrow one-room flat filled with boxes.

From this day forth, this is where I’m going to stay. My home.

My home that’s not our home.

“Get out of the way······! Don’t block, the entrance······.”

“Ah, sorry, Dad.”

I quickly got out of the way for the voice behind me. After Dad put down the box that was much larger than the box I had just brought in, he plopped himself on the ground.

“Are you all right? Is it really straining?”

“Haa, haa, it’s, it’s fine. This much is nothing.”

“You can’t push yourself yet. The doctor told you that you need to rest still. You haven’t fully recovered yet.”

Dad shook his head as he caught his breath in response to my concern.

“I don’t have the time to rest.”

“······Well, yeah, but.”

I didn’t say anything more than that. He probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway and it’s something that I’m not allowed to say.

I silently watched as Dad caught his breath on the floor.

As I thought, he hasn’t recovered completely yet. Not even his outer appearance.

He had cut his hair, which he had previously let grow out, and shaved, but his cheeks were still sunken in. His cheekbones stuck out sharply along with his jawline.

His arms were also a lot scrawnier. I feel like I could wrap my fingers around his entire wrists even with my small hands. The veins that were protruding above his thin wrists matched his rough breathing as they pulsated quickly.

It’s going to take a lot more time before his health, which had diminished because he didn’t eat, drink, or sleep properly for the last 2 months, can recover.

“Drink this.”

Before I could completely raise my arm to hand him a bottle of water, Dad snatched it out of my hand and gulped the water down. I would have said something in the past, but I didn’t have the right to do so now.

······A lot has happened, after all.

I decided to let Dad rest as he wiped his mouth and turned to survey the room.

A small studio flat with only one room and a bathroom. All there was for furniture was a wardrobe, a shabby vanity table, a small bookcase, and a foldable table. Clear traces of something having been attached and removed from the wall remained on the wallpaper.

“······It really hasn’t changed at all.”

2 years have passed already. Did no one live here that entire time? It felt like time itself had frozen in this room since then.

“I was also surprised. Who would have guessed that the only remaining room would be this one.”

He must have heard my comment as Dad spoke in a cracked voice.

“It hasn’t changed one bit.”

In the past, someone Dad and I knew very well used to live in this room.

A person who had a bad personality and always acted as if she knew everything. A person who always had half-opened, tired-looking eyes and would smile in a way that made it difficult to tell whether she was smiling happily or crying. Her curly, long, and silver hair, beauty spot, and her pointlessly large chest were her distinct features. A person who was annoying, but not a bad person, used to live in this room. Although not for long.

Ha Nabom. My future self.

Was it fate that I would end up living in this room?

Although I don’t believe in something like fate, and, if anything, I despise it, I had no other choice but to think this way.

“······Hoo, it isn’t the time to be resting.”

Dad shook his head as he got up.

“Start unpacking the boxes. I’ll bring back some more.”

“I’ll go down and help you.”

“No need.”

After giving me a curt answer, Dad turned around.

“······I’ll be here, then, Dad.”

All I could manage was say that to the already closed door. I let out a small sigh.

I started to unpack my stuff just as Dad instructed. I prioritized the stuff that I would need immediately. I’m going to start living here from now on, so I can take out the other stuff slowly.

It isn’t easy for an elementary school student to live by themself. It can’t be helped, though. That’s why I didn’t argue when Dad told me to live by myself. Dad has started to live by himself like this as well, and he probably doesn’t want to live together with me, after all. I can’t stay in that house anymore.

3 months ago, I was born.

This sounds weird, but it’s the truth. I came from the future, after all.

And I wasn’t present in my memory as a child.

Therefore, an inconsistency will form if I continue to live in that home.

That’s why it can’t be helped. We can’t let that happen and no one knows what sort of issues this could cause.

“······Yeah. It can’t be helped.”

I have no other option but to think this way. Additionally, Dad and I would only suffer if I continued to live there.

I’ll remember Mom and he’ll remember Mom whenever he sees me.

My Mom who passed away 3 months ago after giving birth to me. Ja Saeyeon.

My chest hurt and felt numb every time I thought about this.

It’s my fault that Mom died and Dad became like this. It’s all because of me.

That’s why I have to do whatever I can.

In order to not make Dad suffer any more than this. In order to change the past.

My first task is to unpack all of these boxes. Organize this room enough so that I can live here by myself, so that I won’t make him worry, and so that Dad can focus on his work.

After this, we have to make Mom.

In my memory as a child, I had a mom. I definitely had memories of my mom who should have passed away while giving birth to me.

That’s why I thought that Mom ran away because she got sick of how coldhearted Dad was. I traveled to the past in order to change that.

Even though everything was my fault.

I shook away the needless thoughts in my head.

Since Dad was little, his dream was always to create a robot that could think and move like a human. If we put two and two together, then the inconsistency between my memories and now can be solved.

We just have to make her. We have to make Mom. A robot that thinks and moves like Mom. A robot that perfectly resembles Mom who has died already.

If other people heard our plan, they’d probably think we’re crazy.

And finally, we have to create a time machine.

Like how I traveled to the past and how my future self went to the past using the name Ha Nabom, time machines definitely exist in the future.

Dad and I will invent one by putting our heads together.

We’ll then use that time machine to change the past. We’ll find a way to prevent Mom from passing away.

Then everyone will be happy.

Dad, Mom, my younger self, we’ll all be happy.

Since that’s my ultimate goal, I have to overcome my loneliness and sadness. It isn’t an easy task, but I have to do it.

This is the only way I can atone.

“······Let’s work hard.”

I patted my cheeks with my hands in order to erase my depressed mood. The tingly feeling helped me snap out of it. I psyched myself up.

“Okay! Let’s do what I can at the moment first!”

It’s probably impossible right now, but I want to see Dad smile again. I want to smile with him like we used to before.

I’m probably not allowed to, no, I’m definitely not allowed to, but Dad won’t be able to smile either if I constantly look depressed.

If I want to return Dad back to how he used to be, then I have to go back as well. No, I have to become even brighter than before.

If I genuinely become a charming daughter who latches on to him and acts cute, then he might love me.

What I need right now are the clothes I intend to wear for school tomorrow, my textbooks and notebooks, a blanket to sleep with, and kitchen utensils to prepare meals.

I unpacked some clothes and put them in the wardrobe before putting my books on the shelf.

“······That’s high up.”

I then encountered a problem.

The kitchen shelf in the corner of the room to put my utensils on.

Naturally, since no one expected an elementary school student to live alone in this studio flat, they were too high for me to reach. Although I might be able to reach them if I jump.

“What am I going to do······. Do I have to buy a chair?”

The fact that I have to buy a chair not to sit in but to grab the dishes off the rack feels like I’m putting the cart before the horse.

I decided to stack some boxes up and use them as a stool for now. I stacked the heavy boxes up like building blocks. They can probably withstand my weight.

“······These can hold me up, right?”

Well, I probably won’t die if I fall. I convinced myself with that.

“At any rate, Dad is late······. Maybe I should have helped him.”

I muttered to myself as I put the plates on the rack. Talking to myself when I’m bored helps a little.

“······Huh?”

As I was organizing the dishes, I discovered something.

A piece of paper stuck in a hard-to-see corner of the cupboard.

I thought it was trash at first, but there’s no way that a properly folded piece of paper stuck in a place like this could be just trash.

“······.”

I looked around and confirmed that Dad hadn’t returned yet before I reached out for the piece of paper. I had a lingering expectation. My chest pounded.

My expectation then turned to certainty.

「To me.

If I discover this letter, then that probably means we couldn’t change the past this time either. Another failure.」

Handwriting I was familiar with. My handwriting. Ha Nabom’s handwriting.

‘It’s your turn now.’

I quickly scanned the content of the letter.

The letter contained a type of guideline or advice.

Warnings and instructions for everything that was going to happen from now on.

How Jin Jaim must act as Ha Nabom and what Jin Jaim must do to become Ha Nabom.

And, the contents of the letter made me open my eyes wide in shock.

“It can’t be······.”

I got goosebumps. My hands started to gradually shake, so it became difficult to read the words. Regardless, my hands wouldn’t stop.

“Open the door!”

At that moment, the sudden voice I heard nearly made me scream. I barely managed to cover my mouth before I settled down and shouted back.

“W-Wait a second! I’ll open it for you now, Dad!”

I folded the note with my free hand and shoved it in my pocket.

I can’t let anyone find this note.

This has to remain a secret.

My, no, ‘our’ secret.

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TL note: Thanks for reading this chapter. I’m sorry for how long it took me to release this shorter chapter. I finished up all of my finals and I had to spend a night at my relative’s place because of my grandmother’s birthday. I should be relatively free now, but since the trip I’m going on next month is a university program, I have to visit my university every now and then to plan out things with the group I’m going with. Other than that, I should be able to spend my remaining time either gaming or translating. I’ll try to not let FFXIV take too much of a priority. Heh.

On a note related to this chapter, these kinds of chapters are hard to work on. It’s very repetitive in its phrasing. For example, it kept ending lines with “after all”. It got to the point where I kept second-guessing myself whenever I would have to write it because I would doubt my brain for a second on whether I translated it right or not.

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