We Should Have Slept While Only Holding Hands, And Yet?!: Volume 4 – Chapter 8

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8. Feelings
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“······He’s gone.”

“······Yeah.”

The sound of the security guard’s footsteps grew faint as they disappeared into the distance. Normally, you wouldn’t expect people to be sleeping in the storage room, but I couldn’t help but find it funny how tense my body was despite how easily the matter was resolved.

Nabom, who had been peeking through the storage window, turned to me and smiled. Albeit, I couldn’t see it properly because it was dark.

“What’s the matter? Did you hope that we would get chased by the security guard and ghosts? It’s a bit too late for that. Try again next year.”

“Stop it with the weird jokes that’d go over most people’s heads.”

“Ah, you’re afraid of ghosts, aren’t you? That was rude of me.”

Nabom smiled contentedly in response to my blunt answer. It seems she was having fun in her own way. She was making jokes that most people wouldn’t understand, after all. I felt too lazy to say anything beyond this, so I turned my body.

I can’t be certain, but the security guard probably isn’t going to patrol any more than this. As long as we don’t make too much noise, there shouldn’t be any problems with us staying here at school over the weekend.

In the end, I didn’t go home. I couldn’t, after all.

Since we would always leave the thick curtains closed anyway, we could use the heater with ease since we didn’t have to concern ourselves with the light from the heater being visible from the outside. I went to a corner of the clubroom that had become cold and wrapped a blanket around myself as I leaned against the wall. It’s a good thing that I had brought this blanket for when I wanted to take naps.

“There we go.”

Nabom let out a light sound as she sat down next to me. She put her knees against mine and made me share the blanket with her. There was no particular reason to stop her, so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t move to the side to give her space either. Nabom must have thought that was my own way of showing consideration as she pushed herself closer to me.

It should be fine for us to stay like this for a moment until the room becomes warm.

Within the cold clubroom, only the areas touching Nabom felt a little warm. Even though there was a thick layer of cloth between us.

I heard the sound of rustling. Nabom’s cheek then leaned against my shoulder. Her hair touched my cheek.

“······It’s just the two of us.”

“Don’t say weird things.”

“I simply stated a fact. Isn’t it weirder to interpret this as something weird? Or what? Were you actually hoping for something? Seriously, Underclassman Jin Jaro is a complete piece of garbage. How could you lust after your own daughter?”

The sound of giggling. As if she found messing around like this to be enjoyable. The sound of laughter which I haven’t heard in a long time tickled my earlobes.

“······I don’t know how many years it’s been.”

After the laughter gradually subsided, a quiet, slow, and longing voice was transmitted to me through my shoulder.

“I don’t know how many years it’s been since I last slept with my dad.”

The winter wind made the windows shudder.

“And, the thought of secretly sleeping in the clubroom with a close underclassman is quite an interesting feeling.”

The faint light from the heater filled the room with a gentle glow.

“You aren’t saying anything.”

Nabom poked my side with her elbow as if she were egging me on to respond. What meaning did this action have? Was she messing with me as a close upperclassman, as a daughter, or as a lover?

“It’d be nice if you at least joked back or something. It’s lonely if I’m the only one talking.”

Nabom let out a small sigh and turned to look up at me with her cheek still pressed against my shoulder. I glanced down at her. A close distance. It was a distance where I could do whatever I wanted if I had any intention of doing so.

“It’d be nice, if you at least said something, back.”

It’s not like I didn’t know things would end up like this.

I’ve felt it since before.

And I knew that this girl was also broken, after all.

Ever since I was able to peek into this girl’s broken cracks, and even before then. If I think about it now, she has always been like this.

It was probably because she was abandoned by me.

She most likely wanted to be loved by me. Regardless of its form.

She did whatever it took to get my attention, my love, and to get me to stay by her side.

She resembles me way too much.

She wished for the one who abandoned her to look her way. She wanted any sort of attention from them, no matter what form it came in.

This girl probably isn’t oblivious to this either. She should know that even if she did this, her hopes wouldn’t be met and that the more she did this, the less likely she’d be accepted.

And yet, she still yearned for it. Regardless of how slim the chances may possibly be.

As a female, I believe that she’s charming.

She has a charming appearance, a charming body, a charming personality, and is devoted. She could be considered the ideal partner.

In the regard that both of us are irreparably broken.

Broken things might work well with other broken things. We’re already broken to an irreparable degree, after all. We’re at a point where we can’t break any more than this.

People might call us insane and crazy.

But I’m going to do worse anyway. I’m going to go completely insane in the future.

I have no intention of weighing which side is crazier. I create a robot copy of my wife, break it, pursue a childish fantasy like trying to conquer the world, and the fact that I felt tempted by the idea of accomplishing this dream and that I would even have these thoughts.

And yet······.

I turned my head slightly towards a corner and disregarded her.

What I thought in my head wasn’t what I was seeing right now, after all.

A face that was close to tears.

The face made when the person whom you loved and believed would understand you the most said words that denied those things completely.

Come to think of it, I’ve witnessed it twice.

Even though I’ve thought many times that, at the very least, I didn’t want to see that expression again.

Even though I’ve constantly sought to at least prevent that from happening again.

In the end, this is what you’d call an injected emotion.

The fact that I treasured my family and wanted to protect Jaim, this was the extent of those emotions.

Moreover, my current emotions might be fabricated as well.

Nonetheless, the image refused to vanish from my head. That face, that smile, and what I felt whenever I saw that expression.

That’s probably why I refuse and get refused in the future.

In any case, the emotion I felt at that time remained in a far corner of my heart like an unerasable scar.

I want to stay by her side.

I want to stay next to Saeyeon.

The only thought that comes to my head is of the person whom I felt was my everything and the reason for my existence. The thoughts of her filled my head.

My current self will become my future self and these emotions were injected into me by my future self so that I would become like him; therefore, I cannot accept this.

“······As I thought, it’s like that.”

There’s no way this girl doesn’t know this.

Nabom let out a small sigh. The cheek that was pressing against my shoulder moved away. The warmth became slightly faint.

It’s not like I’ve never thought about the ‘What if?’s.

What if I did it? What if I committed to it, crossed the line, and went insane but in a different direction? What if I throw away these emotions, these forged emotions? Wouldn’t I be able to change something?

It’s not like I haven’t considered the possibility of changing the future by accomplishing this shared desire.

However, I’d end up moving according to a predetermined path like a character from a novel. As if things were made to be that way.

Everything, from the beginning to the present, all of it was going according to a fixed scenario. I faithfully carried out my role as a puppet.

Be it Jaim’s appearance, the quarrel, Jihye’s appearance, the dispute that followed after, the feelings that formed during that time, the anguish, and the despair. Every last one of these things had been determined since the beginning. Everything has gone according to a script.

Furthermore, I started to doubt.

Doubt is like a disease. Once you start doubting one thing, you’ll eventually begin to doubt everything. You become skeptical and incapable of trusting anyone.

I can’t even believe in my own feelings. I can’t trust the people whom I thought were my faithful allies, so how am I supposed to believe that this girl’s words, feelings, and thoughts are for my sake?

She’s the most lie-filled existence. She has been fake since the very beginning.

In the past, when Jihye first arrived, this girl advised me to not consider Ha Nabom as my ally and that if I was going to trust someone, then it should be Jihye.

And this girl knew. She knew that everything Jihye was doing was for the sake of making me not give up on Saeyeon and head towards the same future. Despite this, she told me that Jihye was my ally.

She’s now telling me that she’s going to do whatever she can for her own goal to change the future, but how am I supposed to trust her?

There’s a possibility that she’s still working for my future self.

She might be doing this to make me fall further into despair and shatter the last piece of sanity I have left.

I can’t trust anything. Not even myself.

“······Damn it.”

Why can’t I stop my thoughts?

Why is it that even at this moment, I’m still thinking of Saeyeon?

I pulled my knees towards me, dropped my head into them, and grabbed my head.

How much have I been changed?

In the past, I only had to think about myself. I thought that I could live on my own and that I only had to worry about myself.

Do I have to live like this from now on? Am I going to constantly picture Saeyeon’s face and regret the things I had let slip and weren’t able to obtain? Am I going to console myself by saying that I had managed to protect her?

“······I’m sorry. It seems I went a little too far with my joke.”

She must have misunderstood the reason for my groan as Nabom spoke apologetically. She most likely intended to play this off as a joke as well. As per usual.

“A joke? You’re saying that’s a joke?”

Additionally, I wasn’t in a good mood today. No, I was in the worst mood. Even if she was joking or being genuine, everything annoyed me.

“Do you say and do those sorts of things as a joke?”

Sharp and edged words flew towards Nabom.

“No, I was just······.”

Nabom seemed to panic due to my response as she forced an awkward smile on her face and tried to think of an excuse.

“The, uh, m-mood felt bad and I thought you might be upset, so I figured I’d brighten it up a little······.”

“Ah, is that so? So you thought I’d be happy if you did that? I came here after getting into a fight with Saeyeon, for a matter related to you, and you thought I’d be happy if you joked around like that?”

I filled my words with venom and spat them out with my current foul mood contained within them. I enjoyed seeing her panicked and bewildered expression.

“I have no idea what you’re thinking. I never have since the very beginning! All you do is lie, joke around, and make excuses. What are you thinking? What do you want?”

I hate liars.

I can’t trust them, they betray you, and they like to give and take away hope whenever they want. I’ve said this to her numerous times now. There’s no way that this girl, who remembers every single word I say and action I do, could’ve possibly forgotten. And yet,

“Are you really on my side? You told me in the past that you aren’t my ally and that I shouldn’t trust you. And yet, you’re telling me that you’ll do anything as long as I can be happy? Which one is it?”

“Well, I’ve told you several times before, but my goal is to······.”

“You’ve told me several times, but you change it every time you say it! What about you am I supposed to believe? How do you expect me to believe that you’ll do anything for my sake? How am I supposed to believe that you’ll always follow me no matter where I go!?”

I just don’t have to trust her. That’s all I have to do.

I ended up shouting in spite of myself. I shouted while pulling at my hair.

“In the first place, what do you mean by doing anything to make me happy? You’ll stay by my side? You’ll choose me instead of your mom? These are all things you want to do! Furthermore, you······you also only talk about those insane things! What, do you have a father complex? Or do you have an Electra complex? How am I supposed to believe you when you say that you’re doing it for my sake!?”

Nabom’s expression gradually became more and more tearful as I spoke.

Her mouth moved as if she intended to say something, but no noise came out. Her usual emotionless face was broken as her half-closed eyes were wide open and something began to pool in the corners of her eyes, but I didn’t care.

That’s right. I’m venting my anger. So what? I’ve always been this sort of person. Furthermore, Nabom said her goal was to make me happy. She said that she would do anything for me and that was the reason for her life. If she was speaking the truth, then she’ll take my berating without a word. If those words were lies, then she’ll get upset at me.

“······.”

Nabom didn’t say anything. She simply bit her lip as if she were holding back her tears and dropped her head. This sight made me feel joy. It didn’t matter whether she was silent because she had nothing to say or in order to avoid answering. In the end, what’s important was the fact that she didn’t say anything.

“······I’m sorry.”

Nabom furtively pulled the blanket up and over her head. This was similar to when she was little and how she would either hide in the washing machine or under her blanket whenever she got depressed. Like how she had shut herself in her room these days.

I began to hear sniffling.

In the end, this girl is the same, huh?

Although she acts tough, mature, and different from how she was when she was a child, if you remove the plating, her core is still the same.

Her fundamentals won’t change. They can’t change unless you’re able to be born again somehow.

“But, I, sincerely······.”

“Whatever. Stop it.”

I didn’t intend to listen to her any more than this. I’ve already vented my anger. I didn’t feel like listening to her excuses. I got up and put down a mat somewhat close to the heater. I laid down and turned my body.

“I’m going to bed, so do whatever you want.”

There was no response. I only heard the sound of sniffling. I closed my eyes.

Once my eyes were closed, I could see Saeyeon’s crying face more vividly.

What should I have done back then?

It couldn’t be helped. I had to say those words. And yet, I can’t stop recalling her face. That face. I keep remembering Saeyeon’s face that was gazing at me with upset, resenting eyes and was on the verge of tears.

“Why······. Why is this happening again······.”

Nabom’s sniffling and mumbling voice. Her voice mixed together with Saeyeon’s voice. It made me think of Jaim.

Seriously, why did things end up like this?

“······As I thought.”

The small, sniffling voice came from underneath the blanket.

“It would have been better, if I had never been born.”

The moment those words came out, I grit my teeth.

I told her this back then as well. I told her so clearly.

I sprung to my feet and shouted at Nabom.

“I told you to never say that ever again⎯⎯⎯!”

The blanket trembled in response to my shout.

My shout ended up surprising me as well.

⎯⎯At the very least, those words should never be said to one’s parents.

⎯⎯Can’t we be happy, like we used to, with just the two of us?

⎯⎯You’ve told me several times, but you change it every time you say it!

······What the hell.

Aren’t I the same?

I can’t be trusted, my stance changes all the time, I’m not certain about anything, and I’m a liar. I’m the same as her.

And yet, I’m acting as if I’m better.

We’re both broken, but I act as if I’m great or something.

“······I’m sor⎯⎯⎯.”

I refused to hear any more than this. I was already out of the clubroom. The metal door had shut behind me, so I couldn’t hear her anymore. I didn’t want to hear her.

I trudged forward. I headed somewhere.

But where······?

Where do I have to go to······?

I heard a clink. It was the sound of a metal door opening. I turned my head and saw Nabom.

With a tearful look, Nabom tried to yell something.

So, since I knew what she was going to say, since I didn’t want to hear it, I blocked my ears. My steps hastened. I ran. I fled.

I ignored the security guard’s shock as he woke up from his stupor and the words he shouted at me afterward. I kept running. I simply ran. I ran away.

I had no idea where I was going or where I wanted to go.

“······Guh.”

Something came up between my ragged breathing. Something which I couldn’t block.

“Guaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah⎯⎯⎯⎯!”

With all the strength I had, I let out everything left inside of me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah⎯⎯⎯⎯!”

All the air in my lungs was released. I couldn’t breathe and my legs trembled. Nevertheless, I continued to move. I felt like my entire body was breaking apart. Similar to how my mind was breaking apart. Similar to how it had already broken apart.

I passed by people who were still out at night. They all turned to look at me in either surprise or as if they were staring at some strange person.

As if they were literally staring at an insane person.

Nonetheless, I didn’t stop moving. My ragged breaths that weren’t strong enough to become cries or shouts didn’t stop either.

Tears flowed down. Everything that was left inside of me flowed out.

“······Kuh!”

My trembling legs fumbled over each other causing me to trip. I fell on the sidewalk at the speed I had been running. My entire body hurt. It was sore and I was bleeding. I might have broken a bone.

People simply glanced down at me as they passed by. Some had weirded out gazes while others appeared concerned. In the end, a few people approached me after they saw me groan and break out in tears.

“······Kuh, hk, uuu, uuuuuuhk······!”

My tears didn’t stop.

I wanted to protect her. I said that I would.

Everything was being destroyed by my hands.

Literally everything. Even myself.

What did I want to protect at first?

What did I genuinely want to protect?

Even if I scraped together the fragments, I couldn’t find the answer. No matter how many shards I gathered and pieced together, I still couldn’t find the answer.

Furthermore, not everything was shattered.

At the very least, the final piece refused to break.

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

It seems I didn’t break something due to my fall.

My arms, legs, and face felt very sore despite wearing thick winter clothes, but since none of my injuries were more serious than this, the emergency room at the hospital sent me off almost as if they were chasing me out. The morning sun was already coming up.

Fortunately, they didn’t contact my home. My half-hearted lie about it being embarrassing must have worked. I was able to find some solace in this.

I sat at a bench in front of the hospital and thought about where to go.

My broken glasses made my vision feel peculiar. It was different from usual.

I absentmindedly gazed at the world around me through broken glasses.

The morning sun, thin branches bobbing up and down due to the winter wind, people adjusting their clothes as they departed for work on a weekend morning, people going somewhere to play, passing cars, pigeons, sparrows, children, and families.

Thinking about it now, I have never observed these sorts of things in silence before.

This all felt strangely novel to me.

Even though this was a common sight and there was nothing special about it, I strangely felt like crying.

I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes. I beheld the sight once more but without my broken glasses on. I was nearsighted, so nothing appeared clear to me.

Everything was hazy and indistinct. It was almost as if there were tears in my eyes. Everything clumped together and failed to form a proper shape.

Of all things, the only thing that remained as clear as day was⎯⎯.

“······Why?”

I find myself picturing her even now.

Of her smiling, at that.

I lowered my head and closed my eyes. The corners of my eyes felt hot for some reason.

It’d be nice if they were here right now.

It’d be nice if Saeyeon and Jaim were both here with me.

It’d be nice if we could’ve seen this together.

Why won’t it break?

I got angry at everyone, got frustrated, diverted blame away from myself, and broke everything that remained so there were only sharp fragments left, but why won’t this one last thing break?

This last piece of my mind, refuses to break.

I thought I had poured everything out, but it’s still there.

This fact was utterly tragic.

I came back to my senses around the time the sun was beginning to set.

I have to go somewhere. I could probably sleep on this bench, but I don’t want to do that. Something bothersome could happen if I did and I feel like it’d be good if I at least had somewhere to go.

I can’t go home or to the clubroom.

“······.”

I suddenly remembered something.

With staggering steps, I retraced my steps to a place that I had gone to only once before. I pressed the doorbell. I heard a voice from inside.

“Yes⎯⎯. Who is it?”

“······It’s me.”

“······.”

The high spirited voice paused for a second after I responded.

Yeah, I figured. Just as this thought went through my head, the door opened.

“······What brings you here?”

Nanda spoke with a slightly curt voice and gaze that was different from his usual demeanor. However, his expression changed to that of alarm once he saw the state I was in.

“You······. Did something happen?”

“Shin Nanda.”

I spoke to Nanda.

“Sorry, but do you think I can spend the night here?”

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

Nanda’s mother welcomed me warmly despite my sudden intrusion.

“Oh, are you Jjaro? I’ve heard a lot about you from Nanda.”

“······I’m sorry for visiting out of the blue.”

I bowed my head weakly. Not only was this my first time visiting a friend’s place, but it was also my first time visiting a friend’s place while one of their parents was home, so I had no idea how to act. I can’t go wrong with being as courteous as possible. I’m going to be spending the night as well. On another note, she heard a lot about me? What has this guy been saying about me?

“No, it’s all right. Nanda rarely ever invites his friends over and I’ve always wanted to meet the Jjaro that he’d always talked about. Oh dear! What happened? Are you injured?”

“Ah, I fell down earlier. I’m okay now.”

“You should be careful! It looks like it must’ve hurt a lot.”

Despite meeting me for the first time, Nanda’s mother looked at me with genuine concern as she said that.

“You’re going to spend the night, right? Make yourself at home. Ah, how’s the food? Does it suit your taste?”

“Ah, yes. It’s good.”

I managed to get a free meal as well. Honestly, I haven’t had anything to eat since last night, so I was actually incredibly hungry. Nanda’s mother seemed satisfied with how well I ate, so she gave me a few more dishes.

“······.”

And Nanda didn’t utter a single word until we were alone in his room. It isn’t surprising, I thought to myself as I smiled bitterly.

Back when he tried to talk to me out of concern, I told him to buzz off and, after having not said a single thing to him since then, I suddenly showed up knocking at his door. It’s surprising that he’s even letting me stay over.

Nanda lives in an old townhouse a short distance away from the school.

Nothing has changed since that one time I visited during my first year of middle school. I didn’t get to meet Nanda’s mother back then since I was only there briefly.

There were boxes here and there throughout the small house and clear traces of where water had leaked were visible on the old wallpaper. The heating must not work that well since it felt a little chilly.

I never noticed when I came here in the past.

Only Nanda and his mother live here. Living expenses are too tight for the two of them with only his mother’s earnings, so Nanda also does part-time jobs here and there. This was something that I learned this year.

Well, I didn’t care last year, so I never noticed it.

I looked around Nanda’s room. This was also my first time seeing this guy’s room properly.

Worn-out trot posters on the wall, various pieces of furniture and instruments that made the already small room even smaller, a calendar filled with all of his part-time job schedules, and a small bed. These sorts of things entered my line of sight. I didn’t want to take the bed from him, so I decided to lay a blanket down on the floor.

“You have a nice mother.”

I said in an attempt to start a conversation and compliment him in my own way.

“······.”

Despite this, Nanda didn’t say anything. Nanda should know that I would rarely say these sorts of things.

“······Are you not going to ask what happened or why I’m here?”

“You aren’t going to tell me even if I asked, are you?”

······Is he sulking? This is unlike Nanda. After this thought went through my head, I laughed at myself. What do I know to know what befits Nanda or not?

“Also, I didn’t act like myself last time.”

“You didn’t act like yourself?”

Even though I knew I wasn’t in the position to say this, I asked back. Nanda nodded.

“Jjaro’s circumstances are his circumstances. I had breached this boundary that I had put up.”

“······.”

Was that how it was? He wasn’t the type of person to do that, after all.

Prying into other people’s businesses was definitely not Nanda’s style.

I pondered. If that’s the case. If he won’t ask as long as I don’t say anything, if he won’t cross that line, then what if I just told him everything?

I can’t return things back to how they were now, after all.

There’s an option to acknowledge my defeat and be comfy.

If it’s Nanda, if Nanda is with her, then Saeyeon could become happy. It would definitely be much better than being with me.

I’ve been stubborn until now. I said that I wouldn’t lose. I wanted Saeyeon to be by my side. I thought I could overcome everything and even win against this guy because of how much I wanted this, but now I know the results.

In the end, I regret it.

If I tell him now, then considering his personality, he might hit me. I might lose my friend. However, I don’t have anything left anyway. Everything has broken apart and I’m the one who’s been breaking them.

If it’s like this, then what’s wrong with breaking it again?

If I can’t be with Saeyeon, if I can’t protect Jaim, if Nabom won’t follow me,  and if I’m going to truly be alone, then I could just get everything off my chest.

“Hey, Shin Nan······.”

“Sorry. I have a part-time job early in the morning tomorrow.”

Nanda, as if he had been waiting for this, spoke over me the moment I tried to speak. It was like he was telling me that he didn’t want to hear it.

“······But it’s a Sunday?”

“It’s because it’s a Sunday. I got fired from my night part-time job because I’m a student. It’s because people are saying that another shop in this neighborhood got caught a short while ago.”

He shrugged as if it couldn’t be helped before reaching up and grabbing the ceiling light string. It was as if he didn’t want to talk any more than this.

“I’m turning off the lights then, okay?”

“······All right.”

With the sound of a click, darkness enveloped the room.

I thought in the dark. Maybe it’s already broken.

ÅΟΟÅΟΟÅ

In the morning, true to his words, Nanda had already left for his part-time job by the time I woke up. His mother also had to go to work so the house was empty. Breakfast was left out for me on their small dining table.

「Put the key in the newspaper slot.⎯⎯Nanda.」

“······.”

I thought about what this note could mean as I ate the now cold breakfast.

Did this mean he trusted me this much or was he telling me to hurry up and get out?

Either way, it was clear that he was telling me to not be here by the time he came home. After I finished eating, I did the dishes and did as the note instructed and threw the key inside the newspaper slot after locking the door behind me.

This might have been obvious if you thought about it.

My family is no longer validated, so why would I expect anything else from a friend? Well, we didn’t have a proper friendship to begin with. It was a friendship that I had resolved myself to betray and abandon one day.

Still, I thought.

Now, I thought.

Maybe, I thought.

In the end, I probably just wanted a place to run away to.

I probably just wanted to tell someone, someone that I found relatively trustworthy, about everything. Arbitrarily again.

The last emotion I had felt a little sore.

I walked while touching the portion of my clothes that got torn after I fell yesterday.

Now where do I go?

Where should I go?

“······Haha.”

In the past, I thought that anywhere would be fine as long as it wasn’t here.

I thought I could simply use the money I had saved up beforehand, get a house somewhere that isn’t here, and live using my own strength. Who knew that thinking about where to sleep tonight could be such a daunting task.

The money I had saved up was at home. In the end, I’d have to go home and face someone. Be it Saeyeon, Jihye, Jaim, or maybe even Nabom.

If I want to drop out then I’d have to go to school. I’d have to explain to my homeroom teacher why I want to drop out. My homeroom teacher will try to stop me. If I try to force it, then he’ll probably try to contact someone. Be it the parents that had abandoned me, Saeyeon, or anyone else.

Ultimately, I have to get into a confrontation at least once.

I can’t even run away however I want.

⎯⎯What is Nabom doing now?

With a bitter smile, I raised my gaze that had been looking at the ground as I walked.

“······.”

Someone was heading towards me.

Their appearance made me stop walking.

What is she doing here······?

More importantly, why does she look like that······?

While I was standing there blankly, Jihye approached me without any hesitation.

She was wearing somewhat classy casual clothes instead of a maid uniform.

Not the clothes she would always claim to be the pride of robot maids, but an outfit that I was seeing for the first time and didn’t belong to Saeyeon either.

Her hair, was also shorter.

Although her long hair could appear short from the front when tied up, the way her short back hair was fluttering in the wind was proof that it wasn’t tied up.

“······.”

I barely managed to come back to my senses.

I tried to turn around.

I tried to run away.

Most importantly, Nabom had told me this.

⎯⎯You must have forgotten, but Miss Jihye is my future father’s robot maid.

This girl is definitely here to stop me.

She’s here to make me look at Saeyeon again and hold me down.

Whether it be consciously or subconsciously, it’s for the sake of making me head towards that future. For the sake of making me want to put Saeyeon next to me again even though I’m going to lose her.

And······. I might do that.

No, I will do that.

My emotions have been made to feel this way, after all.

I was made to cherish and love Saeyeon. I was made to feel as if I want her at my side, to hope for it, and want it.

Even now, I can see her tears and smile.

That’s why I have to run away. I can’t face her right now. In my current state where my last remaining emotion has been weakened, I have to run. I may have to confront someone one day, but not here and now.

Right as I finally managed to turn my body, I heard Jihye’s voice.

“Where are you going?”

My feet stopped at that moment. My mouth opened a little and my pupils probably widened as well.

“I was planning to look for you. Where have you been all this time? You haven’t been home for 2 days now.”

“You······?”

For a moment, I thought it was someone who just looked like her or that it was maybe Saeyeon herself; however, there’s no way that someone who only resembled her would have the same voice and speak to me as if they knew me well. Her hair color, eye color, and appearance weren’t the same as Saeyeon either. And yet, if that’s the case, then.

“······Did you come from the future?”

I came to this conclusion. It seemed the most plausible, after all.

This was more than possible.

I couldn’t be certain if we’ve changed the future or not. Furthermore, my future self should definitely know what’s happening right now.

Jihye is a robot maid that I made in the future. It isn’t strange to think that I made another robot similar to her.

Or this could be the Jihye that Nabom took back with her to the future when she traveled back in time with the name Jayeon.

Jihye grinned in response to my words.

“Sorry, but you’re wrong. I’m the same Jihye that’s been at your place this entire time. I did change my attitude a bit, though.”

This was a response I hadn’t expected at all.

“······Why are you here?”

I somehow managed to suppress my surprise as I questioned her. Jihye’s expression looked as if I had just asked a stupid question. This expression was also something I had never seen Jihye make before.

“What do you mean why? I’m here to bring Master······.”

However, after saying that much, Jihye clicked her tongue as if she had just made a mistake. Jihye mumbled with a bitter smile. This was also an expression I was seeing for the first time.

“I messed up······.”

“You, messed up······?”

I unwittingly asked back. What did she mess up?

With a bitter smile still on her lips, Jihye nodded.

“I’m not used to it yet, so I mess up every now and then. I’ll say it again. I’m here to bring you back, Jaro.”

“⎯⎯⎯⎯······.”

I really had no idea what to say.

My expression seemed to amuse Jihye as she chuckled.

“I’ve decided to stop being Saeyeon’s substitute and a robot maid.”

“You’ve decided to stop······?”

This was gradually becoming harder to understand Stop? What was she stopping and how······?

“······If you’re stopping, then are you going to start pretending to be a human?”

Barely, I barely managed to squeeze out those words coldly.

I can’t let my guard down. This might be some sort of ploy as well. This might be a part of the script. I have to be doubtful. I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Although I can’t trust Nabom’s words either, they still sounded plausible. Even if she says she’s going to stop, that can’t be changed. This girl is a robot maid. She’s nothing more than a machine that my future self has made.

“Mm~. That’s not particularly my intention. I could pretend, but that wouldn’t make me human. I’m not Pinnochio or something.”

However, Jihye responded with a grin despite my cold words. I didn’t like her response. She went around saying Master this Master that, claimed to be my loyal servant, and even called me her creator, but now she was making trivial jokes like this almost as if she were looking down on me.

“In any case, if it weren’t for Nanda, I would have probably been out searching for you for who knows how long. Seriously, I know you got into a fight with Saeyeon, but if you’re not going to come home for 2 whole days, then the least you could do is give us a call.”

Jihye put her hands on her hips and spoke as if she were scolding me, completely disregarding my face which you could very clearly read. More importantly, that guy······. While feeling anger towards Nanda who feigned ignorance and did something unnecessary, I spoke to Jihye.

“So, what are you planning?”

“What am I planning?”

“Why are you doing something like this?”

Jihye smiled warmly in response to my pointed words.

Her gaze looked somewhat pitying.

“I’m not doing anything special. I simply resolved myself to change.”

“You resolved yourself to change?”

I snorted. I laughed at her, but Jihye’s gaze didn’t change. My sharp fragments went towards Jihye.

“Don’t make me laugh. You’re nothing more than a robot, a machine. How can you possibly change? Are you broken?”

Machines can’t be changed. They can be remodeled and upgraded, but they can’t be changed. Let alone ‘resolve themselves to change’. It was laughable.

Even people can’t change. Their most fundamental parts can’t change.

“Well, I probably am broken, but it’s true. I must have been made well as the original. It’s impressive. Mhm. As I thought, I’m not a failure.”

Jihye brushed my words aside as if they weren’t a big deal.

“Jaro, you asked me multiple times before, didn’t you? You asked me whether I really am a robot or not. You said that I behave just like a person. Wouldn’t this mean the future Jaro managed to truly make me like a person? He created me as Saeyeon’s substitute with that goal in mind, didn’t he? So I could act as a substitute for a family.”

“What······?”

How many times am I going to be surprised while talking to this girl?

I’m pretty sure we decided to keep that as a secret and keep her in the dark about it. Or maybe that’s how she found out.

Jihye nodded.

“Yup. I know now. There was a little incident. That’s why I made the decision to change. I decided to quit being Ja Saeyeon’s copy and a robot maid.”

With a faint but pleased smile, Jihye spoke.

“I wouldn’t be able to do anything if I didn’t.”

“What are you······.”

“I’m saying that there’s a limit.”

Jihye spoke bluntly as if she was explaining something obvious.

“I was made to be someone’s family, but I’m not. I was made as Ja Saeyeon’s replica, but I’m not Ja Saeyeon. I received Jin Jaro’s thoughts and feelings, but I’m not Jin Jaro. I’m a combination of Jin Jaro and Ja Saeyeon, but I’m not their daughter. I’m Jin Jaim’s mom, but I’m also not. There’s a limit to what I can do as an existence that’s neither this nor that. I couldn’t change anything.”

“······.”

“That’s why I decided to become Jin Jihye. Not someone else, but Jin Jihye.”

My head couldn’t follow her story at all.

I wanted to yell something, but I had no idea what to say. The one thing I did know was that I felt strangely annoyed.

Jihye pulled at her clothes and spoke as she looked down at it.

“I like it. The clothes I chose, the name I picked, and how I’ve changed. I like all of it.”

“······What do you plan to do by changing like that?”

I had to force these words out of my mouth.

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m going to make you and Saeyeon reconcile.”

Should I say this was expected? My bewilderment settled back down to my cold state. The sharp fragments that had lost their goal for a moment returned to flying towards their original target.

“Yeah, since things will return to how my future self wanted it, right?”

“Huh?”

Jihye tilted her head as if she had no idea what I was talking about. Although her reaction looked genuine, I couldn’t trust her.

“You’re a robot that my future self created. Furthermore, you should also know about my future self’s goal. His goal of conquering the world by inventing robot maids and time travel after his ability blossomed due to the despair he experienced from Saeyeon’s death.”

“What are you talking about? Conquering the world? What kind of non······.”

“Stop acting oblivious!”

Once I shouted, Jihye, who had been tilting her head, paused.

“”Even if you don’t know about that, you should know about the other thing! You know what will happen if I hold on to Saeyeon, reconcile with her, and give birth to Jaim! You know what awaits us at the end of that path! You know that Saeyeon dies, I create a robot version of Saeyeon and everything else after that!”

My hands tightened as they clenched into fists. I grit my teeth.

“What you’re doing now is simply making those events happen again! If it’s my future self, then I would definitely use you as a tool! Like how he used Jaim and Nabom as tools! Like how he played with my emotions! I can’t do that! I don’t want a family that’s given to me for the sake of being lost!”

Even if I barely manage to get my hands on a family that I’ve always wanted, it’s going to be taken away from me. It’s given to me for the sake of being taken away. I’m given something that I can’t protect even if I wanted to, I’m made to cherish it, and I’m made to despair by having it taken away from me in the worst possible way.

I don’t want to be puppeteered like that. I won’t allow it.

Adding to this, the fact that I’m the one who’s doing this. I’m the one who’s tormenting myself. What’s up with that? Isn’t that messed up?

Even if the thing I hate the most in the world is myself, even if I’m the one who hates me the most in the world.

How could I do something so cruel and terrible?

Playing with my emotions and my ability to trust others.

I trusted her, I had trusted Jihye. I trusted her when she said she was on my side, when she gave me advice, and when she said she liked me. I trusted her even though she’s a robot. Although my twisted future self was the one who made her, I trusted her when she said that I was better than my future self.

Even though she’s only a robot that’s been programmed. Even though she’s a machine, a machine that’s simply moving according to how it’s been put together and wired. Yeah. I was taken by the idea that her human-like side might mean that she’s alive.

“······Jaro, I don’t know what you’re saying, but sure. Maybe it’s like you said. I’m a robot and since that’s something I can’t do anything about, I probably have no choice but to act this way if I’ve been programmed this way whether I’m aware of it or not.”

Jihye responded to my shouting in a calm tone.

“So what?”

“What······!”

Blood surged up from my feet and to my head in an instant. I almost charged forward to grab her by the collar and punch her.

Regardless of whether she knew I was barely holding myself back or not, Jihye simply continued while looking at me.

“There’s something that I want to ask.”

Jihye stared directly at me before she continued.

“Do you value something because it’s a part of your family, or do you think it’s a part of your family because you value it?”

“······What?”

“Do you want to protect it because it’s a part of your family, or do you want to protect it because you value it?”

“What are you talking about!?”

I couldn’t hold myself back any longer.

With heavy steps, I walked towards Jihye. I clenched my fist, tightened my jaw, and approached her with the intent to hit her.

“It’s plain and simple.”

Jihye didn’t flinch, try to dodge, or run away as she continued to stare straight at me as she asked.

“If Saeyeon and Jaim aren’t a part of your family, then would you not cherish them?”

Those words made my feet stop.

“If Saeyeon and Jaim aren’t a part of your family, then would you not want to protect them?”

“What, are you······.”

“Why are you so bound by the idea of having a family?”

Jihye asked as if she couldn’t understand.

“Jaro, is the thing you want to cherish, protect, and be together with your family or is it Saeyeon and Jaim?”

My mouth became stiff as I tried to answer that. My twitching mouth managed to force out an answer.

“They’re, the same thing.”

“I thought about it, you know? Something felt strange.”

Jihye ignored my response as she went on.

“Jaro, your relationship with Saeyeon is incredibly unique, after all. It might be because you’ve been together since you were little, but don’t you normally become a family after you meet your cherished person? You start liking them which eventually leads to love and then you want to be together with them.”

“That’s······.”

I answered too late. Jihye didn’t wait for me to finish.

“Of course, one’s parents, siblings, and children are a little different, but isn’t this something that happens before you become a family? Hasn’t the positions been swapped?”

“Well······.”

“Do you want to become a family because you cherish Saeyeon and want to be with her? Or do you want to cherish and be together with Saeyeon because you two become a family in the future? I believe these two things are a little different.”

I tried to do my best to answer Jihye.

However, I couldn’t say which it was.

I hate families because I didn’t have one. Everyone had one, but I didn’t. They were a pointless existence.

That’s why I disliked Saeyeon. She was an existence with a happy family that was right next to me. She had something I didn’t.

But I ended up liking Saeyeon. If I have a family, then I thought it would only be with Saeyeon. Since I only love and cherish Saeyeon.

That’s why family is precious. It’s something I was barely able to get my hands on, after all. I don’t want to lose it. I want to cherish it and keep it with me.

“Is anyone okay as long as they’re your family? As long as you can be together with them, does it not matter who it is? For example, would it be fine if it were either me or Nabom? I don’t think that’s the case. Although it’s a little regrettable.”

With a wry smile on her face, Jihye looked at me teasingly.

“Also, this is another, slightly different question.”

Jihye asked another question while I was still at a loss for words.

“Earlier, you said that future Jaro played with your emotions, but I don’t understand what you mean by that.”

“······It’s simple.”

I put aside the previous question for a moment as I gave Jihye an explanation.

“Nabom told me. She told me that as a subordinate of my future self, she had manipulated my memory to cherish and value my family. That’s why I despair after losing Saeyeon and invent robot maids and time travel to change that, but I don’t manage to do anything in the end. Instead, I use those things and conquer the world. I achieve my childhood dream.”

“······That’s a little.”

Jihye knit her brows. As if she couldn’t believe it and that it sounded far-fetched. Even though to her, this is about her creator.

“So that’s why you’re saying he played with your emotions?”

“······Yeah.”

“Mmm······”

Jihye turned her gaze slightly and stuck her lips out as if she were contemplating before she turned back to me.

“So, is there a problem with that?”

“What······?”

“Do you not like that? Do you not like that you’ve started to cherish Saeyeon and Jaim? Do you dislike cherishing and valuing your family?”

I still have no idea what this girl is trying to say.

Jihye blinked as she spoke.

“I said so before, but I like how I’ve changed.”

“What are you······.”

“It’s a choice I made because I thought about it and wanted to change.”

Although I stammered as I tried to make a retort, Jihye’s gaze didn’t change.

“I’ve decided to not give up simply because that’s how I was made, because things are fixed to be this way, and because that’s how it’s always been. Most importantly, I’m the one who had decided upon this. That’s why I like it.”

“······But I.”

Jihye didn’t listen to my reply as she looked up at the sky.

“Jaro, do you not like how you’ve changed?”

For a moment, those words made my chest throb.

“······But, I didn’t change because I wanted to.”

I somehow managed to squeeze out those words.

“Cherishing my family, treasuring my family, and wanting to protect my family, these feelings didn’t appear because I wanted them to. No, the feeling of wanting something might be forged as well.”

That’s right. Even if I like these changes now, there’s a chance that these aren’t my original feelings either. Even if you say that it isn’t, there’s a possibility that even my current desire to deny that all my emotions were fabricated was artificially created as well. The emotions I felt after Jaim appeared, my desire to not become like my parents whom I’ve always hated, and my desire to cherish this family and protect Saeyeon and Jaim.

Similar to diseases, doubt continues like a snake biting its own tail. Thoughts follow thoughts and doubt follows doubt. Perpetually.

“That’s why, I······.”

“I’m repeating myself, but what’s wrong with that?”

Jihye cut me off again.

“Jaro, like you said, me coming here to see you and tell you these things might be pre-determined actions. I could’ve been created this way, after all. As a robot maid and as Saeyeon’s copy, these might be actions I’ve been programmed to do so that you and Saeyeon get together again and the same future repeats itself.”

But.

“What’s wrong with that?”

Jihye asked bluntly.

“I think that’s better. I’ve taken a liking to that more. I feel like it’d be best if the two of you are together. Regardless of the cause, that’s what I purely believe.”

“······There’s no way it could be pure if that’s the reason.”

“What’s important is how I feel right now.”

Jihye ignored me as she spoke.

“No matter what the cause is, I like the result. I like the me that’s able to change and is different from my past self. That’s why I want to ask you again.”

Jihye stared straight at me with a serious and pure gaze.

“How about you? Do you not like how you’ve changed or the fact that you’ve changed?”

How I’ve changed and been changed.

Things that have changed after Jaim appeared. How I’ve started to cherish Saeyeon, show interest in others, be considerate of other people’s situations, genuinely consider Nanda as my friend, be able to do something with someone else, and be able to both laugh and cry honestly.

Before then, I disliked Saeyeon, was inconsiderate of others, ignored everyone, made a friend solely for the sake of stepping on their feelings and spitting on their face one day, did everything on my own, covered myself in lies, and despite all this, I wanted someone to look at me, to want me and cherish me.

⎯⎯There’s nothing that doesn’t change. That’s fine. This is an obvious fact, after all.

I recalled a thought that I once had.

⎯⎯The problem is probably how it’s felt.

“But······.”

Even then.

“You can’t do anything about something that can’t be helped.”

The future can’t be changed.

In the end, the same sequence of events repeats themselves.

I don’t want a future like that. I’ll do anything if it’s for the sake of changing that future.

That’s right. I can split up with the person I cherish. I can say cruel things like declaring that I’d be better off without them as many times as I have to.

“You wound up saying it as well. You said that you might very well be moving according to my future self’s desires and making events repeat themselves.”

“Maybe.”

Jihye nodded frankly. However, before I could say anything about it, Jihye continued bluntly.

“But if that’s the case, then I’ll change again.”

“······.”

“I’ll change myself as many times as I have to until I like where I’m at.”

She said those words boldly and in a completely unyielding manner.

“Since I can change.”

Although they weren’t saying anything, those two eyes that were gazing at me looked as if they were provoking me. They were asking, ‘How about you?’

“······Haha.”

I remembered.

I remembered the words I told Jaim in the past.

⎯⎯That’s why I want to change from now on.

I recalled the words I said to Jaim in order to persuade her.

⎯⎯I want to become a person who doesn’t hurt the people precious to him.

Seriously, the same thing keeps happening over and over again. I change my words.

⎯⎯That’s why I need you, Jaim, in order to change even a little bit from now on.

I had said those words so bluntly as if I were boasting.

As a burst of uncontrollable laughter was coming out from me, Jihye inquired.

“So, what are you going to do, Jaro?”

If I dislike how things keep repeating and how I go back on my words.

“Is Jaim still in her room?”

I have to change so that I don’t do that anymore.

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Intermission. Return

The bus that was returning from the school excursion was quiet.

The rumbustiousness while going on the excursion and the energy during the trip were nowhere to be seen as a majority of the students were either asleep due to exhaustion and the ones that were awake were talking about what they did on the trip.

“The school excursion is over as well······. Now we’re going to be in our third year soon······.”

“Don’t remind me. Good job ruining the mood.”

“I’m never going to Gyeongjoo again. When I go to university, I’m definitely going to Jeju Island or somewhere else.”

“You have to get into a university first, you know?”

“A tour of famous restaurants sounds nice······. I feel like I’ll gain weight······.”

“How are you going to manage your diet now?”

“Uh, uhhhhk, uhhhhhk······!”

“That’s why I told you, there are those who score and those who don’t. YWGO is an abbreviation of ‘You won’t get one’.”
(TL Note: Previously, the term was ASKY as an abbreviation of ‘ahn-saeng-kyo-yo’, but I figured I’d just change it entirely so it’d be less confusing.)

“Now studying really is all you have left.”

“Guh, ah, how am I going to face her in class now······?”

“I don’t care what you do, but can you please stop sobbing like a baby?”

Naturally, when talking about things that happened during the school excursion, people will mention things that happened with a noteworthy individual.

“······They were fighting so much before the school excursion.”

Once someone mumbled that, a couple of the students who were still awake turned their heads.

At the back of the bus, there were two people sitting side by side.

Two people who were resting their cheeks on each other’s shoulder and head were sleeping peacefully.

“Seriously that guy and his temper.”

“Are they some couple that gets closer after every fight? How many times have they fought and made up now?”

“They should show some restraint. Seriously. How are us single people supposed to live with such sorrow!? We even have a guy who got turned down here!”

“Shut up!”

Everyone agreed.

Until a few days before the school excursion, they didn’t utter even a single word to each other. During the school festival a month ago, the two of them held hands, linked arms, and went around the school campus all lovey-dovey.

Shortly before the summer break, they didn’t talk to each other.

During the midterms of the 1st semester, they would be together as he taught her.

At the beginning of the semester, he shouted in the classroom that she annoyed him and that he was sick of her.

Their teacher stepped in and the two reconciled the next day, though.

They’ve fought multiple times, and every time they did, they would stick together as if they couldn’t live without each other afterward.

“I thought I was following their honeymoon or something.”

“They held hands constantly through group activities and never split up.”

The same thing happened during this school excursion as well.

4 nights and 3 days could be short to some, but long to others. Either way, the two never left each other’s side the entire time.

As they looked around the historical sites of Gyeongjoo which was their school excursion destination, they held hands, linked arms, and chatted throughout the tour.

They would always be together when the teachers let the students do whatever they wanted during free times. They stuck to each other so much that there probably isn’t a single person who hasn’t been asked by them to take their picture.

One of the kids couldn’t hold it back any longer as he decided to ask them why.

“Why are you guys taking so many pictures?”

The two looked at each other and laughed before answering.

“Because it’d be nice if we had a lot of proof of us being together?”

Everyone who heard that had to retreat.

And now, as they gazed at the two who ran around energetically, laughed, and chatted throughout the school excursion before finally falling asleep due to exhaustion, they felt like it couldn’t be helped.

“Still, how lucky······. I want to go out with someone.”

“You guys were cheering them on a short while ago.”

“That’s only for a day or two! Do they not get tired of acting like that!?”

The two continued to dream, oblivious to the fact that they had become the main topic in an instant and were being complained about.

While holding hands. Their fingers interlaced.

Leaning against each other.

The two simply continued to dream happily.

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TL note: Thanks for reading the chapter. This chapter sure was long. Compared to like the previous couple of chapters, this one actually reached the 10k word mark. It’s nice to see that Jaro has finally resolved himself. It got sort of annoying translating his monologues because of how repetitive they were getting.

On another note, my last semester of uni will be starting up next week I think, and I’m not sure how my schedule is going to be affected. I also got a small translating part-time job because I’ve been dipping in the reds lately. I’ll take whatever money I can get since uni is starting.

In any case, I guess I’ll be doing a couple more DD WN chapters before finishing this volume of Handholding off. Although, the next section in the DD WN is a bit long, so I might pause in the middle to finish Handholding. We’ll have to see how it goes. See you guys in the next release.

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